St. John’s Says Keble Is Not Rival-Worthy Enough

St John’s passed a ‘Motion of Pity for Keble’ at their JCR meeting last Sunday, after agreeing that declaring war against Keble “would be like smashing a toddler’s Lego fort.”

The motion, passed by St John’s, resolved to deliver a letter of sympathy to Keble JCR along with a £10 Argos voucher so that they can “buy themselves something nice to make themselves feel better.”

This is the latest action in a long-standing rivalry between the two Colleges. It comes in response to several recent incidents allegedly involving Keble students, including loud late-night singing outside St John’s and a “kebab missile attack”, which was apparently launched at a fresher’s window.

Jason Keen, a fresher at St John’s, had originally proposed a declaration of war against Keble. His motion noted, “With the likes of Tony Blair amongst our alumni, this JCR should be no stranger to and have no qualms about starting wars with very weak justification.”

However the declaration of war was amended to a ‘Motion of Pity’ on the grounds that, “A self-respecting College like St John’s can find no honour in targeting an institution much weaker and of such lower standing. It would be rather like smashing a toddler’s Lego fort.”

The student who proposed the amendment wished to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation, but he explained that pity was the natural reaction to the recent actions of some Keble students. “Whilst being upsetting we understand antisocial behaviour often occurs due to deep-seated emotional problems and we therefore pity them,” he said.

St John’s JCR President James Osun-Sanmi said, “Keble and St John’s have a historic rivalry so a motion of pity was a perfectly natural occurrence. To be honest it’s surprising that more Colleges haven’t passed motions of pity for Keble.” He also defended the use of JCR resources to buy a £10 Argos voucher for Keble. “Supporting those who are less fortunate is never a waste of time or money: it’s called charity,” he said.

Related  Club night review: Action Stations

Keble JCR President John Maher was gracious in his response. “We would like to thank St John’s for proving once and for all that wealth does not imply class,” he said.

He added, “We assure St John’s that if we send them anything in response it will be at least £15 in value.”

Sam Aldred, a history student at Keble, said, “This motion reflects St. John’s intense fear at Keble’s ever growing strength and power. Much like the last years of the Roman Empire, St. John’s has succumbed to luxury and complacence, appearing strong externally but in reality rapidly decaying from within. Complete collapse is inevitable.”