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Top Five Films To: Make You Not Want To Have Kids

Kids are great right? Cherubic mini-people. Their greatest concern – making the tortuous decision to that eternal question: Hannah Montana or High School Musical? Bless their little hearts, etc. Or not. Thank god we have cinematic evidence to expose the vile demonic truth – kids are fucking scary. Personally, kids scare the shit out of me even without the added bonus of being the spawn of Satan, so Damian in Richard Donner’s The Omen (1976) seriously begs the question: why have a kid if it could end up hanging all your domestic staff? That film is one of the most effective methods of contraception I’ve come across. Try it.

The finest in the that-kid’s-so-scary-I-don’t-even-want-to-see-another-kid-let-alone-have-one brand, however, is surely found in Gore Verbinski’s The Ring (2002). You go through the miserable, longwinded process of adoption and all you get at the end of it is Samara: the most truly horrifying horror-child ever created. You’d have thought a child standing still and not saying anything for a few hours would be a positive thing, but oh no. One controversial, but valuable tip this film will teach you: if you see a child stuck down a well DO NOT HELP IT OUT.

Similarly terrifying is The Sound of Music (1965). The thought of losing several perfectly good curtains just so your kids can have play clothes to cycle around Austria in is enough to force my womb into a perpetual strike, and it should be enough for yours too.

Chan-wook Park’s Oldboy (2003) provides convincing evidence that having kids = emotional pain/self disgust. Do you want even the slightest risk of someone to locking you in a room for 15 years, then hypnotising you into committing incest with your own daughter? Thought not.

Finally, Chris Columbus’ Home Alone (1990): if Macauley Culkin had never been born, sure, his family home would have been subject to some heavy theft while they were on holiday, but you tell me how his parents are going to get shavingfoam/blood/tar/chicken feathers/crushed pieces of toy cars out of the carpet?

Enough said.

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