Proposition – Caspar ‘Casparnova’ Eliot – New College Full-back
I love sport, and what with football being sport I do enjoy it very much (and hate it occasionally, being a long-suffering Spurs fan). But it has always irritated me that football has managed to obtain status as the global sport when it is clearly inferior to rugby, and here’s why.
I’m going to start with a personal bugbear. Both sports are meant to be man’s games. Why then, do we see the constant image of footballers writhing around on the ground in apparent agony upon receiving the merest hint of physical contact. I also find the hounding of referees and brandishing of imaginary cards abhorrent. With rugby, there is no hiding. Any sign of weakness is an opportunity for the opponent to exploit, so there is no simulation. Also, respect for the referee (or ‘sir’) is paramount, and you will never see a rugby team crowd around the ref shoving and bellowing a descision in their favour.
Rugby is known as ‘a game for all shapes-and-sizes’, and this maxim still holds true. Physique of a human cube? You could make an excellent front-rower. Beanpole? The lineout is your calling. Vertically challenged but nippy? You’d slot in nicely at scrum-half. Compared to football, where unless you’re reasonably tall and fast you’re going to struggle at a decent level, this come-one-come-all nature is one of the game’s greatest features (and for those of you doubting this holds at the highest levels, watching Wales v. France in the 2010 Six Nations you could have witnessed Marc Andreu – 5 ft 5 and 11 stone – tackling Luke Charteris – 6 ft 10 and 20 stone).
Three years ago I had the pleasure of watching New College AFC 2nd XI defeat Keble to gloriously win Cuppers and it was one of the worst spectacles I’ve ever witnessed. Neither team was capable of stringing more than two passes together, the ball spent most of the time fired into the air around the centre circle and the only part that bore any similarity to a professional match was when one of our midfielders got booked for diving. And therein lies a major problem. At the top level I won’t deny that football is a (I’ll withhold the definite article) beautiful game, but that bears little or no resemblance to what happens on sports grounds around Oxford on a weekday afternoon as deficiencies in first touch and technical ability put paid to all attempts to do what you can see in your mind, or on the FIFA screen.
With rugby, on the other hand, it is perfectly possible to watch the All Blacks perform some magical set-piece move on the weekend, and then give it a go next time you train or play. The speed of the game may be lower, the skill levels slightly less and the contacts not quite as terrifyingly brutal, but fundamentally it is the same at whatever level, with any wing capable of that scything run, or any forward that bone-shuddering hit.
I could also mention how rugby has managed to utilise technology to eradicate (for the most part) ridiculously contentious decisions that can ruin one’s enjoyment of an entire match. I could mention how rugby is a generally higher scoring game, with much less of an opportunity for one team to turn up and park their bus in front of the goal/try line. The arguments are innumerable.In the end, to settle the debate, we could simply follow the Harry Hill method to decide which is better, but I fear that upon the shout of ‘FIGHT’ all the footballers would lie on the ground feigning injury. Says it all, really.
Opposition – Adam Fellows – Blues Left-back
Every single schoolboy dreams of being a footballer. And why wouldn’t he? They want what the pros have – the glory, the adoration, the exhilaration, the fame, the fast cars the beautiful women.
They play our sport on every playground and on every blade of grass in an endless pursuit of perfection for one very simple reason. The better you are at football, the more popular you are – this is an irrefutable fact.
Unfortunately at a stage in early adolescence the weak minded ones turn to the dark side. The frail, shy yet cumbersome children who feel intimidated and belittled by the dominant footballers turn to steroids to bulk themselves up . The rugby players do their lifts, their curls and their presses until they feel confident enough to stand up to football’s superior species.
After their inevitable rejection to rejoin our game they steal the conventional spherical ball in a fit of growth hormone-induced petulance and sit on it with all their considerable weight. Thus, the misshapen egg that is the rugby ball is born.
Rugby players change the rules so that they can carry the ball in the air in order to stare at each other’s sculpted pecs and inflated arms (not to mention the overhanging rolls of flab in the middle).
Having failed at the notion of kicking the ball into a net they decide to kick it over the net into an infinitely bigger area. This takes much less skill, perhaps the crucial strength of football. In rugby points are scored when one falls over the opponents’ line. In football a goal requires evasion, a cool head and the ability to beat the goalkeeper.
This is just one example of an endless list where association football has the edge on that other posh-boy, meat-headed excuse for a sport. There’s so much more finesse – a footballer has technique, precision, tactics and fitness in addition to strength and force. Rather than just mindlessly bashing skulls together in the scrum (which I’m fairly sure is just an excuse for everyone to fondle each other’s genitals) footballers pass, move and work together.
Whilst the men of the “hard-man’s” game afterwards moan about their vegetable ears until they have to resort to protective headgear, the footballer takes the knee high lunge and gets on with the game.
Whilst I must admit that a lot of what the media says about football is true – there is corruption, disappointment on an international level and the excessive spending of money domestically. Despite this football covers both the front and back pages of the newspapers. Why? Because people care about it. It is the heart and soul of millions whilst rugby articles end up in the editors’ shredding pile because, frankly. nobody is really that bothered.
The media criticse the boozing and the disappointment that our national team provides. At least the England rugby team didn’t go on a ridiculous bender in the middle of a World Cup and lose what may have been their tournament. Oh wait…
