Here’s a depressing thought – you know that novel you’ve been working on, the one you’ve invested so much time and energy in, the semi-autobiographical one that lays bare your troubled relationship with your father, that one? Well, when you finally send said document to a publishing house, before it can be placed in the expert hands of a revered, bearded editor, it must get past a bored, unqualified, speccy intern.
Like an unpaid Cerberus, the intern will block your passage to the house of fame. I should know – I spent my whole summer putting people’s hopes and dreams in the No pile.
On my first day interning at a publishing house in Soho, my boss defined my job thus: “You must ensure,” said he, gesturing to the pile of manuscripts on my desk, “That none of these people ever contact me again.” Each day I read at least 20 submissions and usually filled out 20 rejection letters. These rejection forms were brutal – a standardised two-line ‘thanks, but no thanks’, with the author’s name written in biro at the top.
To ease my guilt at having dashed so many dreams I want to give first time authors a few tips to make sure their novel gets past The Intern. Firstly, if you’re writing a tale of “ill-fated lovers set in the Second World War as recounted by a dying grandma”, stop. It’s been done. Secondly, if you’re writing “a thriller about biological warfare in a modern city”, that’s been done too. There’s nothing wrong with retelling a classic story, but remember: the intern is bored, the intern wants to go to lunch, the intern can guess what is going to happen to Mabel and Hauptleute Hans – and to Agent Mathias and the feisty-but-vulnerable-gorgeous-red-haired-pencil-skirted detective.
Thirdly, if your synopsis is long-winded and aimless and repetitive and confusing and seems to trail off without reaching a climax… this worries the intern. Finally, the title is the first opportunity you have to grab our attention – do not let this opportunity pass you by. Calling your book In the Quiet Shadow of the Rambling Man, or The Streets of Warwick, or Never Say Goodbye, is bad. Calling your book Sex Naked Boob is good.
