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Ten Things to Do in 2012

The recent hailing of ancient Mayan calendars, Iranians building missile-sized domestic nuclear plants and Kim Jong-un settling into his dad’s old Mao suit has lead Cherwell to think that it’s about time we got our lives in order. Throw in the possibilty of universal apocalypse and it’s time to get prepared. With approaching armageddon in mind, here’s our ‘To Do’ list for the year, which could  well be your last: 

1) Buy a bomb shelter
Head on down to      B&Q  and buy as much  DIY equipment as possible, start stockpiling any canned foods you can find and bulk-buy board games or long political novels for those long days underground. Indulge those 40s fantasies by getting the whole family (read, staircase involved). And, you can probably convince your college dean that turning the front quad into a re-enactment of Goodnight Mister Tom is definitely a good idea, vegetable patch and all.
2) Run for US president
“As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else. It’s being drawn to Iraq and it’s not being drawn to the U.S. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don’t want the Eye to come back here to the United States.”
That’s a real quote from a real person running to be the most powerful human in the world. Thought eyeing up the JCR presidency was the kiddie option? Call the sponsors, write a manifesto and book your flight to the Primaries.
3) Not watch sport
This shouldn’t be too tricky, because by summer time not only will you obviously be extremely busy not revising for something, but also you definitely won’t have Olympics tickets. As that’s in London and the European Cup is in (wild guess here)  Europe, there aren’t too many funky time zone discrepancies this year, so fitting in a sporting spot of 2am televisual procrastination looks off the books.
4) ‘Read’ Dickens
2012 is the bicentenary of the birth of Charles Dickens, which may make you want to think about flicking through some of his stuff, such as the famously concise one-afternoon-sitting favourite, Bleak House. How better to spend the short time before your impending death then by watching hours of corseted fancies and bulging breaches. Oh, the dampened sexuality. The book, perhaps, is one for the bomb shelter.
5) Play Pooh Sticks
If your love of water-borne recreation risks evaporation after your failure to get into the college first, or indeed fourth, boat, then there’s always the opportunity to rekindle your prowess on the river at the annual World Pooh Sticks Championships. Taking place in Oxfordshire in March, it’s just the ticket for the type that can’t tear themselves from the Thames between Torpids and Eights. Don’t knock it – nine-year-olds can get very vicious and that moment of suspense as you wait to see those stick emerge attracts some serious adrenaline junkies.
6) Attend the International Potato Processing & Storage Convention in Riga, Latvia
Proudly hosted by Potato Processing International magazine and Potato Storage International magazine, this is a milestone calendar event for all root vegetable enthusiasts. It’s probably a lot more alternative than that ridiculously modish festival you were planning on lavishing your Euros on, which clearly now looks far less cool. Cheap as, well, chips.
7) Learn a new language
French is a cliché; German feels kaputt. Well, here’s an idea for a challenge: try your hand at the Yaghan language of the Tierra del Fuego. You’re sure to learn excessively useful words  such as mamihlapinatapai: ‘a look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that they both desire but which neither one wants to start’. There is only one native speaker left, so those beginner practice sessions will probably involve a bit of mamihlapinatapai, but never mind. If you’re lazy like me, there’s always the Rotokas language, which only has twelve alphabet letters. It’s also massively useful for my regular jaunts to Eastern Papua New Guinea.

1) Buy a bomb shelter

Head on down to  B&Q and buy as much  DIY equipment as possible, start stockpiling any canned foods you can find and bulk-buy board games or long political novels for those long days underground. Indulge those 40s fantasies by getting the whole family (read, staircase involved). And, you can probably convince your college dean that turning the front quad into a re-enactment of Goodnight Mister Tom is definitely a good idea, vegetable patch and all.

2) Run for US president

“As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else. It’s being drawn to Iraq and it’s not being drawn to the U.S. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don’t want the Eye to come back here to the United States.”That’s a real quote from a real person running to be the most powerful human in the world. Thought eyeing up the JCR presidency was the kiddie option? Call the sponsors, write a manifesto and book your flight to the Primaries.

3) Not watch sport

This shouldn’t be too tricky, because by summer time not only will you obviously be extremely busy not revising for something, but also you definitely won’t have Olympics tickets. As that’s in London and the European Cup is in (wild guess here) Europe, there aren’t too many funky time zone discrepancies this year, so fitting in a sporting spot of 2am televisual procrastination looks off the books.

4) ‘Read’ Dickens

2012 is the bicentenary of the birth of Charles Dickens, which may make you want to think about flicking through some of his stuff, such as the famously concise one-afternoon-sitting favourite, Bleak House. How better to spend the short time before your impending death then by watching hours of corseted fancies and bulging breaches. Oh, the dampened sexuality. The book, perhaps, is one for the bomb shelter.

5) Play Pooh Sticks

If your love of water-borne recreation risks evaporation after your failure to get into the college first, or indeed fourth, boat, then there’s always the opportunity to rekindle your prowess on the river at the annual World Pooh Sticks Championships. Taking place in Oxfordshire in March, it’s just the ticket for the type that can’t tear themselves from the Thames between Torpids and Eights. Don’t knock it – nine-year-olds can get very vicious and that moment of suspense as you wait to see those stick emerge attracts some serious adrenaline junkies.

6) Attend the International Potato Processing & Storage Convention in Riga, Latvia

Proudly hosted by Potato Processing International magazine and Potato Storage International magazine, this is a milestone calendar event for all root vegetable enthusiasts. It’s probably a lot more alternative than that ridiculously modish festival you were planning on lavishing your Euros on, which clearly now looks far less cool. Cheap as, well, chips.

7) Learn a new language

French is a cliché; German feels kaputt. Well, here’s an idea for a challenge: try your hand at the Yaghan language of the Tierra del Fuego. You’re sure to learn excessively useful words such as mamihlapinatapai: ‘a look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that they both desire but which neither one wants to start’. There is only one native speaker left, so those beginner practice sessions will probably involve a bit of mamihlapinatapai, but never mind. If you’re lazy like me, there’s always the Rotokas language, which only has twelve alphabet letters. It’s also massively useful for my regular jaunts to Eastern Papua New Guinea.

8) Install an operating system in your eye

Tired of reading? Tired of turning pages? Tired of pressing a button to turn pages? With iPhones producing more generations than rabbits, now may be the time to start getting ahead of the technology. You thought high-tech contact lenses were just the ones which give you cat’s eyes for Halloween, but  these will leave you feeling as if you’ve just stepped out of Minority Report. It’s a step up from holding a Kindle to your face, but likely to get annoying pretty quickly. (Disclaimer: before you place your order, you should be aware that this technology may not actually exist, yet.)

9) Stop drinking alcohol

The unhappy truth about the misleading proportions of the phrase ‘food and Drink’ is that it is neither a fifty-fifty balance nor inclined the way we would prefer it and the capital D is, grammatically speaking, teetotally wrong. But if you’re still waking up in the mornings and reading ‘lunch’ as ‘lash’, you might like to consider visiting your nearest gastroenterologist/sober medic for advice on how not to be mistaken for Jack Daniel’s home delivery service.

10) Convince others to do the same

Follow the example of Sebastian Terry, an Australian man, and write your own wish fufillment list.  So far he’s chased a Tornado, married a stranger and put  $1000 on black, to name but a few.  If that isn’t inspiring then we don’t know what is.  And even if you’re not inspired, you have to take your hat off to the guy for trying to wangle his way in to party with Hugh Hefner.

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