Oxford University: the embodiment of academic excellence. And, perhaps more significantly for the broke yet unashamedly talented adolescent, a respectable means of becoming more employable. The years of interview practice and personal statement drafts are now over. Your nerdy brain has somehow pulled through. You’ve become, or are in the process of becoming, a specialist in your chosen subject field. Exciting.
But, this isn’t the only education you should be pursuing. As a university student it is your right, nay, your duty, to become instructed in the world beyond that of the 9am lab or the late-night library sesh. Uni is the time to become ‘socially’ educated, away from the overbearing shadow of your parents; Uni is the time to have a really good one-night stand.
Firstly, let us make the distinction between ‘really good’ and your average Joe, mediocre night of drunken fumbling. A ‘really good’ one night stand preferably happens whilst still in a state of relative sobriety, ideally when you have absolutely no mutual friends with your chosen partner, and is an event which leaves you in a such an elevated state of bliss that you simply don’t want it to happen again (for fear of disappointment).
If none of this sounds familiar, then it’s likely you’ve experienced a run of the mill one night stand, a journey commencing in drunken banter, travelling via an unsatisfying night of awkward ‘where…there?…no?…there?…no?…oh. Sorry’, and culminating in the morning dash for the door. Fine for some, maybe, but we want more for you, potential socialite cum sex guru, and we believe you can do better.
There are several ways to tackle this feat, firstly, to take advantage of that famed Oxford ritual – the crew date. As the main (but never overtly spoken) goal of a crew date is to fornicate with a member from the counterpart team or society, the task of finding a suitable adult male/female should not be too tiresome. Remember, since this is going to be your really good one night-stand, personality deficiencies do not count in the selection process. Neither does said person’s annoying laugh, inability to speak eloquently, or speak at all. In fact this might be a bonus.
The one-night stand is the height in superficiality; as long as your lucky chosen one is attractive, and looks physically fit (for stamina purposes), that’s all that’s required. Once you’ve found your target, and established your mutual desire for a night of unequalled passion, feel free to leave them on the dance floor, and hone in at the end of the evening. Then head to any kind of shelter conducive to the act taking place.
We don’t mean literally anywhere, however. A ‘friend’ of ours decided that he couldn’t wait to lead his chosen conquest home and so decided to get down and dirty(er) at the bus stop. He refused to comment on his actions but did say he ‘wouldn’t recommend it’, and that he’ll never be able to look the OxfordTube driver in the eye again.
Avoid taking dodgy drunken photos at the aforementioned club, since these will rear their dirty heads on Facebook the next day, rendering your one night immortalised forever, rather than left in the proverbial gutter, as desired.
Leave immediately the following morning, preferably before the other awakens. If you’re in the awful position of having to be let out of college by your partner, well, there’s really nothing we can do to help you. You should have thought about this before. In this situation (and only then), we recommend theft. Take their keys/fob and run. Pidge it back to them if you’re feeling generous, but likelihood is you won’t know their name.
The one-night stand is a rite of passage for every university student. The really good one-night stand is more of a rarity, but something you probably should experience during your social career here at Ox. Just be sure to stick to the ‘no college’ rule, unless you plan on sharing and avoiding awkward glances at hall for the next three years of your life.
So just to be clear, some rules for you as you embark on this journey of self-discovery. Lights off. No exceptions. Queefing is unacceptable. Earmark suitable fire escapes as you enter in case this were to occur. One night stands are the time for adventure, and the perfect fertile environment to cultivate new skills. Having said that, if you’re into anything too kinky (i.e. involving small animals, or fire) you might want to run it past your partner before letting Henry Hamster out of his cage.