The Week That Wasn’t – Freshers Week

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Wow, what a hectic week it’s been. The streets have suddenly filled up with what may be Oxford’s sharpest dressed year yet. Top hats and tailcoats have been the norm amongst this year, the first to pay the £9000 fees: the scruff- ily dressed oiks who’ve so selfishly lowered standards in every other year have clearly been unwilling to take on such vast debt. And who wasn’t filled with pride upon hear- ing the University Vice-Chancellor’s state- ment praising the record number of fresh- ers who managed to pull the students in charge of looking after them? It was a fitting tribute to the Oxford’s unwaveringly ambitious and high-achieving intake.

Meanwhile, Cherwell Comment was delighted to learn that popular club Park End has announced that this year will showcase its cheesiest cheese floor yet, with ‘Reach’ by S Club 7 played as every other song. The cynics in OxStu have claimed that this is a ploy to deaden the impact of the news that all Varsity and Shuffle events are tripling drinks and entry prices for the freshers join- ing this year, but they’ve been pretty bitter ever since their offices were mysteriously covered in rotten eggs and seafood near the end of last Trinity. But the best thing about this week has been the absence of those dicks who sat finals last year. We at Cherwell have been waiting ages to be able to say what utterly despicable and ugly tossers they really were. So good riddance to them and “hello” to all you young, impressionable, and easily ma- nipulated little freshers. Boy, you all have so much to learn about Oxford. I bet you guys don’t even know about the ancient Oxford tradition of buying Cherwell staff drinks and obeying their every command (no matter how deviant or perverse)! Well you have much to learn, so let Cherwell be your guide. Oh and mine is a double rum and coke. Cool, thanks.