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Top 3 Christmas Classics

SONG: ‘Last Christmas’ – Wham!

What would the festive season be without the dulcet tones of George Michael and the other one blaring out from every shop? This song is really an opportunity for George to rant about his heartbreak. He made the pretty cataclysmic error of giving away his heart during that eventful last Christmas – since, as we all know, ‘the very next day, [she] gave it away’. Some might say his anguish seems superficial, the video dominated by OTT waving, manic grins and perms/knitwear, horrific in equal measure.

However, my love of this song stems from the subtext. Under the thick layer of cheesy pop that we so associate with Christmas jingles is the bitter resentment of George towards the woman who used and abused him. George arrives at the implausibly idyllic snowy chalet with a blonde in tow, to aggravate The Heartbreaker. Lingering looks between George and The Heartbreaker which might initially seem seductive are actually looks of burning hatred on George’s part. Compared to Mariah frolicking about in the snow claiming that all she wanted for Christmas was her man, or Wizzard telling us yet again that they would love Christmas to be a daily event, I find it refreshing that George has used the format of a festive song to sing about a conniving bitch. Thus Last Christmas still gets the thumbs up from me during the run up to the big day.

 

FILM: Love Actually  

Oh, Love Actually. I am of the opinion that Queen Liz should, each year in that notorious speech of hers, thank the director Richard Curtis for bestowing such a great gift upon us all. Even the DVD cover of this film is all done up in ribbon like a present, with the faces of the disgustingly famous ensemble cast smiling fondly out. I could quite happily write a dissertation on this cracker of a film, but I’ve decided to be ruthless in discerning five reasons why Love Actually is simply fabulous and will have a yearly presence on my television (much to the delight of my family) on Christmas day.

 

THE CAST. From Hugh Grant to Bill Nighy, Keira Knightley to Martin Freeman, Liam Neeson to Colin Firth. Every British actor worth knowing makes some appearance in this film.

THE SWEARING. Any critic of this film must concede that, if nothing more, it is a master-class in eccentric British swearing. Take ageing pop star Billie Mack’s "oh fuck wank bugger shitting arse headed hole". Splendid. Or the much used "piss it" – though nobody will ever say it again, Love Actually works it seamlessly into its swearing portfolio.

THE SOUND ADVICE TO CHILDREN. Again, I refer to Billie Mack. His guidance ranges from; "don’t buy drugs…become a pop star and they give them to you for free!" to "kids, if you believe in Father Christmas…buy my festering turd of a record." Teachers of Britain, you have a lot to learn from "Uncle Billie".

THE DANCING. If I could ever emulate the funky solo routine performed by Hugh Grant to Jump (For My Love), I would die a happy being indeed.

THE BRITISH SPIRIT. As seen in the defiant speech by the PM (Hugh) to the American President, following the latter’s Clinton-esque behaviour towards Natalie the tea-lady. Even I, hardly a flag-waving patriot, feel a sense of national pride in that scene.

Love Actually is a film that epitomises festive cheer and is generally a bloody good laugh. On Christmas day, you can be confident that I will be screeching along to ‘I feel it in my fingers… I feel it in my toes…’ with the rest of them.

 

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL: Gavin & Stacey 

There has only ever been one Gav & Stace Christmas Special, and boy is it a cracker – securing it a place on my coveted Christmas day watch list. It involves yet another eventful family get-together between the Barry and Billericay clans. The plot is as blissfully simple as ever; everyone gathers in Essex to celebrate Christmas, Gavin drops a bombshell that he’s got a job in Cardiff, and they all have a good old-fashioned bust-up.

The simplicity is handy – after knocking back a few glasses of mulled wine, my intellectual capacity isn’t at its finest. On a similar note, after too much Christmas pudding the last thing I want or need is any of that sickly sweet, sentimental festive slush. I want a punch-up, and a punch-up I get. It’s genuinely side-splitting stuff, with perpetual in-jokes (fishing trip, anyone?) and hilarious takes on situations we’ve all found ourselves in.

Indeed, perhaps the reason that Gavin and Stacey remains such a firm favourite around the festive period is that my family and I can wholeheartedly relate to it; whilst my dad grunts with empathy about Mick’s turbulent relationship with the turkey, my mum (herself somewhat of a pseudo-vegetarian) identifies with Pam’s struggle to retain the veggie image. Whether my granny relates to Pete’s mum who pops up behind the bar the morning after the night before remains to be seen. One thing’s for sure; the Christmas spirit is certainly summed up by old Doris; "to be honest Gwen, I’ve been drinking all day and to be fair, I’m completely twatted."

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