Investigation: Q + A with the Cherwell’s sex columnist

How many sexual partners have you had since starting at Oxford, and how many in total?

I’ve slept with roughly seventeen people in my lifetime, give or take a blurry handful. The majority of them have been fellow Oxonians; I had a relatively late start but didn’t waste time making up for it.

Have you ever had sex in a public place in Oxford? If so, where?

I’ve never had the balls for a full-frontal bang in Radcliff e Square. But I fondled someone else’s in a club staff-room recently. The manager wasn’t too pleased to fi nd his bartender swapping cocktails for fellatio.

Would you identify your sex life as kinky?

Nowhere near as much as I’d like it to be. I reckon I’ve got slightly scarier tastes than the next twenty year-old lady. Or maybe I’m just more vocal than she is. I’m still waiting for a guy nice enough to be nasty.

How often do you masturbate?

This has varied enormously across my lifetime. Retaining my sight through puberty was a relief. Now me and my index finger have fallen out of love. It’s quite nice, actually. We still enjoy our weekly rendezvous, we just have other interests, too.

Have you ever had a one night stand? If so, how many?

Almost exclusively. If you can have multiple one night stands with one person, which I think you can (if a ‘one night stand’ is defined as something you don’t intend to repeat) about 20.

Which nightclub in Oxford do you think provides the most opportunities for casual sex?

It’s got to be Shark End. Specifically, the ‘house’ floor, where couples jump into taxis just to get away from the blood-curdling noise. Bridge is too sweaty, Baby Love too self-aware, Camera too embarrassing.

Have you contracted an STI since starting Oxford?

No. I had my fair share of bad luck at sixth form – I managed to unwittingly exchange my virginity for a gooey dose of Chlamydia. I’m a little disappointed; I would’ve liked to add something tropical-sounding to my repertoire.

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Do you always ensure that you or your partner wears protection during sex?

I guess this is why my clunge is so squeaky-clean: yes I do. I always ensure that both me and Lothario are rubbered, smothered, drugged and ready to rumble, infant and wart-free. Both sound equally tedious company.

In general, how do you feel about your sex life at Oxford?

I would describe it as more Joey Tribbiani than Samantha Jones. It is friendly for the most part, and varied, but on more than one occasion I have found myself enthusing more over his en-suite than his schlong. But I wouldn’t take it back; I would best describe my feelings for my sex life at Oxford as ‘fond’.

What would you say is your top tip for those looking to spice things up?

Don’t do the library-sex thing, it is uncomfortable and deeply unoriginal. Don’t change the venue, change the tactics: more people enjoy the introduction of blindfolds, handcuff s etc. than don’t. If you are still eating vanilla, now’s the time to graduate. And for those of you who already have, one ‘top tip’ is pretty futile. Sex is like a box of chocolates.