I’ve always liked being in control. Whether it’s essays or meticulously-organised fun, I’m used to having everything planned to my liking days in advance. I’d always assumed that this craving for control extended to my sex life. But on this particular occasion, I gave in to the experience of being dominated, and subsequently unearthed my hidden submissive sexual desires. There I sat, in my dingy, lonely Cowley flat, on a cold and depressing January evening. With my flatmates nowhere to be found, and the satisfaction of masturbation rapidly declining, I searched for fulfilment with increasing desperation. I could feel myself ebbing ever closer to an existential crisis of loneliness.
At school, I had a brief relationship with a girl in the year below, only to find a flirty connection with a friend of her older sister (let’s call her Joan). She was headstrong and confident, in a different sexual league to my 16-year-old self, primarily because she was having sex and I definitely was not. She told me stories of throttling, spanking and threesomes. Our conversation over the subsequent five years became less intense, but remained flirtatious. Excessive Facebook stalking that January evening told me that Joan had moved into close proximity in Oxford, and I decided to try my luck for a demonstration of her self-proclaimed sexual prowess.
We had drinks. She spoke to me with patronising disdain, as though I were 20 years her junior, rather than eight months. Indeed, several times she referred to me as a ‘little boy’. Rather than being insulted by her attitude, it stirred something inside me that I had never felt before. We joked about her flamboyant stories and my mundane ones. But it added to the sexual dynamic; I knew, even in flirtation, that I was not going to be the one calling the shots that night. What was interesting was that, despite my control freak instincts, how much I liked it. Indeed, quite against the inclinations of my libido, Joan insisted that we finish two bottles of wine before we headed into the bedroom.
I was in for a surprise. It was not what we did, but the way we did it that surprised me. I was verbally ordered, often with physical encouragement, in every act. Joan instructed me to go down on her, and grasped my head between her legs, calling out comprehensive orders on rhythm. Panting, and thrilled by this turn of events, I was then told to lie on my back while Joan pinned my hands behind my head and completely dominated me. She ordered me to fuck her from behind, and while I did so, she inserted a finger into my bum. Out of surprise rather than pain or pleasure, I tensed up, and received a stern telling off for my pause in gyration. Still reeling from the experience, I came as per her instructions, “Not inside me, for fuck’s sake, and nowhere visible.”
Never before had I been instructed to push my sexual boundaries in such an explicit and satisfying way. Joan opened the door to the world of BDSM for me, and I’m learning everyday about the exciting possibilities of being a submissive partner.