Oxstew: Motion to buy guillotine passes at St Catz

On Thursday evening, St Catherine’s College JCR unanimously passed a motion to purchase a guillotine, as part of the JCR’s ongoing dispute with the College. The motion follows an earlier decision by the JCR to launch a revolution against College, in response to a dispute over how the JCR’s budget is managed. The OxStew understands that the JCR President brought the motion following thorough research into the range of guillotines available, by searching for the term ‘guillotine’ on Amazon. The guillotine, which requires self-assembly, was purchased by the JCR by spending all the money that other JCRs have so far donated to their cause.

St Catz JCR President Jack Hampton commented, “We thought that this would be the most appropriate way to spend the money that JCRs have so far donated to us. Let me reassure all those concerned that we have absolutely no intention of paying back the money loaned to us by other JCRs.”

However, Hampton denied that the JCR planned on using the guillotine to behead people any time soon. Hampton told The OxStew, “If we were to use it to execute anyone, it would have to pass in a GM first. Having a revolution is no excuse not to respect JCR procedure. The purchase of the guillotine is just a precautionary measure; at the moment we only plan to use it to cut pieces of A3 paper into two sheets of A4 paper. “

We’re also currently in negotiations with a theatre company to buy some spare props and costumes from a recently finished production of Les Misérables,” Hampton added. (The OxStew would like to remind its readers that Les Misérables is not, in fact, set in the French Revolution, but rather the Paris Uprising of 1832.) When The OxStew asked Hampton whether frivolous expenditure along similar lines might be why the College may be seeking to take tighter control of JCR expenditure, Hampton responded that if that was the College’s opinion they would have a good use for the guillotine after all.

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Meanwhile, many members of the St Catz JCR are discussing whether to adopt a policy of socialism in one JCR or seek to spread the revolution to other JCRs. The OxStew understands that self-identifying Stalinist and Trotskyist factions are already arising within the JCR, as a result of this debate. One self-identifying rugby lad commented, “Who gives a fuck?”.

In other news regarding post-revolutionary life at St Catz, The OxStew understands that at a recent dinner knives were initially withheld from students until the high table had been seated. When asked whether this was to ward off any potential assassination attempts of College officials, the College declined to comment.

Russell Brand was unavailable to comment.

St Catz JCR President Jack Hampton is currently urging all students who are sympathetic towards the JCR’s cause to purchase T-shirts reading ‘Jack for OUSU’ to fund their campaign. Students also wishing to contribute to the JCR’s hardship fund can donate by visiting ready4jack4chang.org.