The University of Oxford’s Centre for Justifying the Use of Fossil Fuels has released a study proving once and for all that fossil fuel companies are the most ethical corporations in the world.
Banking was found to be the second most ethical industry by the study. The research centre, which is entirely independent apart from being wholly funded by oil and gas companies, reached their conclusions by examining how many positive stories there had been in the press about different industries between the years 1984 and 2014. The study did not look at how many negative news stories there had been about fossil fuel companies in the same period.
Key events cited as “triumphs” of ethical capitalism in the study include the efforts of BP to preserve wildlife in the Gulf of Mexico in 2010, which the writers found “significantly enriched the local birdlife of the region”. The report also praised the contribution of oil and gas companies to international development through the payment of bribes to key decision-makers in countries throughout the developing world. In particular, the study singled out the generosity of the British oil company SOCO International for its donation of £27,000 to a Congolese military officer in 2014 as an outstanding example of good corporate governance.
The study builds on previous findings by the professional services firm Ernst & Young that one-fifth of prosecutions in the UK for bribery and graft (otherwise known ‘alternative development aid’) between 2008 and 2012 involved oil and gas companies.
Landon Carter, Director of the Centre for Justifying the Use of Fossil Fuels, told The OxStew, “We believe that this study demonstrates that alternative development aid is the future of corporate responsibility. Our study, which covers a period of thirty years, has empirically proven what oil and gas executives have been saying for a long time – that fossil fuel companies are the most ethical in the world.”
“What really separates the oil and gas industry from other sectors of the economy is its unparalleled commitment to developing impoverished countries, this varies from buying government officials speedboats to helping local law enforcement hang environmental activists. Students considering a career in international development should definitely consider oil and gas companies first.”
Lucy Heywood, an Oil Scholar studying for a degree in Chemistry, commented, “I am really excited by the prospect of having a career in the oil and gas sector. I hear that fossil fuels are helping to make sunny beaches for people to go on holiday to all over the world.”
“I have no idea what fossil fuel companies actually do!” she added enthusiastically.
Meanwhile, an anonymous spokesperson for a major fossil fuels company said, “We’ll stop procuring it when you stop buying it. We would be a renewable energy company if it were profitable – never mind economical. Frankly you students should be grateful that we even donate to universities. If you don’t want it we can always give our corporate executives a pay rise or give a fat wad of cash to our shareholders instead.”
