Christ Church motion for war on Merton and Corpus “passed with flying colours”

The college’s JCR committee has decided to take on both belligerents at once

Merton and Corpus Christi now find themselves with a common enemy. The general meeting of Christ Church JCR yesterday led to war being declared against the two colleges, in what observer William Rees-Mogg identified as another proof that “Oxford is slithering over the brink into the boiling cauldron of war.”

Josh Cathcart, one of the committee members who made this choice, described the origin of this declaration. “Corpus Christi asked us (I think) to help them in their war with Merton. There was talk of allowing them to fight it out, and then come in after. And it was suggested we would go to war with both Merton and Corpus. Which passed with flying colours.”

President of Christ Church JCR Ali Hussain told Cherwell he had warned his mertonian homonym a few days ago that “Merton will forever be in Christ Church’s shadow.”

Expanding on this idea, one ChCh student justified the declaration with a geographical argument, “If you can see it from the top of Tom Tower, it’s in our sphere of influence.”

The decision to take on two colleges at the same time, following a still seemingly unresolved conflict opposing Christ Church to Brasenose which started in May of last year, surprised ChCh student Louis McEvoy but failed to worry him. “On the face of it such a policy would seem risky, yet there is a genius to it: after all, Merton and Corpus are hardly likely to get over their differences to unite against Christ Church’s strength, so we can comfortably wage war against them as they undermine one another.”

“It shouldn’t be too difficult, as Corpus is the Belgium of Oxford colleges and Merton a non-entity. I salute the rightful exertion of the mighty.” McEvoy added, “Actually come to think of it Merton could pose a challenge, because we’d have to find out where it is first.”

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Redha Rubaie, who had represented Corpus Christi at the first war meeting in Merton, offered an analysis of Christ Church’s decision to throw themselves into the war. “One expected Christ Church to take a stand against the tyranny of Merton. But Christ Church realised they had to improve their position in the Norrington table and found Corpus to be an easy target. They should just try doing some actual work instead.”