Theresa May to lock Britain in a small and dark cupboard

Stephen Hawes reports on one of the darkest speeches in Britain’s history

Photo: Flickr

Theresa May used a key speech on Tuesday to outline plans to lock Britain in a small and dark cupboard in order to maintain the UK’s friendship with its European neighbours. Speaking to an audience in Westminster, the Prime minister reaffirmed the belief that the continuation of Britain’s strong economic and social ties to the rest of the EU lay in absolute seclusion, several thousand pounds worth of Ikea flat pack, and a heavy daily dose of Berocca.

The speech, which consisted almost entirely of reused sound bites from the 2003 UKIP party conference, also expressed a variation on Mayhoven’s rousing ‘Brexit Means Brexit’ chorus.

“We do not seek to adopt a model already enjoyed by other countries. We do not seek to hold on to the positives of membership as we leave. The United Kingdom is leaving the European Union. My job is to build the cupboard that the United Kingdom will be placed in when that occurs.”

It is reported that the cupboard, which will be custom-built in an Ikea factory relocated to Scunthorpe especially for the task, will be constructed with expert consultancy from the creators of the Labour party’s short-lived Ed Stone and the building firm most recently involved with plans to build a giant wall across Mexico’s northern border to keep out Donald Trump.

It will be made from two hundred thousand English oak trees, twice as many as used to build longbows for the Battle of Agincourt, and be painted red, white, and aquamarine. Reports that it will be slightly misshapen in order to accommodate the Outer Hebrides are yet to be confirmed and have been strongly opposed by Alex Salmond.

A euphoric May described the box, which New Statesman has already dubbed a ‘Britain size eco-coffin’, as the greatest triumph of the British people since their victory in the Boer War.

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She became so enraptured that for several minutes she produced no sound apart from white noise and had to be turned on and off again by a visibly embarrassed Elizabeth de Jure Truss, prompting concerns about the Prime Minister’s health.

An NHS insider told Cherwell: “Mrs May seems to have experienced a temporary software glitch prompted by the Great Winter Crisis. As far as we can see, there is nothing wrong with her health.

“Unfortunately, we’re a bit out of practice with this whole diagnosis and treatment thing and someone spilt coffee on Mrs May’s patient record, so for now we’d just advise her to take it easy and for God’s sake avoid visiting any hospitals.”

The speech lasted for three-and-a-half hours and was punctuated by several short intermissions in which fish and chip and full English breakfast-flavour ice cream was sold. Prices were increased sevenfold during the course of the afternoon as the value of the pound hurtled towards historic lows.