Dear Uncle Sam,
I’m a student at Exeter College, and since our junior dean gave us a right old telling off for discussing ketamine on social media, I’ve been struggling to stop myself. I just need to post about taking ketamine online. Any tips to fight the urge?
It sounds like you’re in quite a tricky predicament here. You should take drugs (or indeed, pretend to) only so you can brag about it online—the feeling of apparent social acceptance is a high like no other. It must be difficult to resist conforming to the zeitgeist, which dictates that exaggerating your ketamine use is the only factor which determines your popularity at university, and, henceforth, the rest of your life. Luckily for you, I’ve got some useful pointers to help you get your life back on track!
If you’re some sort of disgusting junkie who can’t possibly cope without the thrill of discussing their top ten K-holes in the comment section of a public Facebook group, I’d recommend doing the next best thing: posting about a friend’s Vitamin K abuse on their behalf. Since you’re doing them a favour, you’d simply be wasting everyone’s time if you asked for their permission—of course they’d say yes! Login to their account when they’re not looking (everyone loves surprises!) and get to work. Share several memes promoting ketamine, ask relative strangers if they have a number for a dealer, and, if possible, get in touch with your junior dean and invite them to share a bag of Special K with your pal at the Bullingdon next weekend. This should sate your appetite for the time being.
Have you considered boasting about consuming a different harmful chemical? Given the normalisation of alcohol in society today, I imagine this one would be a good place to start. Ensure that any time you commence (or resume, am I right lads?) the sesh, you upload a photo of your tipple. Make sure it’s captioned appropriately so everyone will realise you are indeed drinking—not just being a pretentious artsy type.
Trial this approach for a few weeks. Are your friends saying you have a ‘drinking problem’? Calling you a mess? Even accusing you of having double standards, since you won’t publicly share your drug habits but will happily gloat about your VK count? Hah! What do those losers know? Drinking culture is a well-established part of human civilisation, and any deviation from this norm renders you a filthy, degenerate addict or a teetotal Billy no-mates who finds it impossible to have fun. If a century of failed prohibition, vested interests, and relentless lobbying by multinational companies has taught us anything, it’s that the war on drugs has clearly been won. Sorry dope fiends, it’s time for you to put those keys down and begin chugging lager with the rest of us—the sensible ones. You can stop when you’re in a catatonic state of inebriation.
Get with the times, and start marching to the drumbeat of functional alcoholism. If our leading politicians, bankers, lawyers, advertising executives, management consultants, artists, journalists, and students really are injecting/smoking/snorting mountains of illegal contraband, how come there aren’t any Instagram photos to prove it? Exactly. As long as you aren’t (nos) gassing up your illicit behaviour on your timeline, everyone can continue to pretend it doesn’t happen. Of course individuals have the right to a private life, but you’d better keep quiet about your lifestyle if it isn’t endorsed by those who believe that their opinions and moral superiority take precedent over your happiness.
Remember: it’s only acceptable to hype up your liquor intake, and perhaps smoking at a push. So if possible, try to shift your attention to these vices instead. Yes, I could rebuke the harmful and unnecessary stigma associated with criminalising drugs, and the utter futility of our government’s drug policy instead of giving you this advice. But what do I know? I haven’t read nearly enough clinical studies in the Daily Mail which scaremonger about the dangers of illegal drugs. If I’m not ingesting propaganda from commercial interests who would stand to lose massively from the legalisation of drugs, there’s no way I can have an informed opinion. No matter what qualifications and experience you possess for your future profession, they will be rendered worthless once you share a disposable of yourself taking a bump in Cellar. So you’d better change your ways before it’s too late.
I know it’s hard to fight the addiction of crowing about ketamine. As any historian knows, humans domesticated horses in 3000BC only so that they could get their hands on the species’ infamous tranquiliser, which horse scientists kept a closely guarded secret. At least, that’s what a cursory Google search told me about this popular party drug—for I would like to stress to all my future employers that I have zero knowledge of what ‘K’ is. I never have, and never will, take this substance. Ever.
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