Dear Uncle Sam,
Freshers week is beginning, and I’m anxious about making new friends. Do you have any advice?
Rest assured, I’ve got you covered. The best thing about starting university is that you can finally ditch all those unique and interesting personality traits you’ve spent years cultivating, so you can reinvent yourself as a pretentious sheep who panders to the ever-evolving zeitgeist in the hopes of making friends.
If there’s one thing that everybody loves, it’s aggressive alpha males – particularly in elite academic institutions such as Oxford. You should strive to be as deafeningly loud, testosterone fuelled, and hypermasculine as possible in your bid to win over all your new peers. Make sure you brag about how you and your lads had to add more dates when you were on tour this summer. Emphasise that physical strength and refusing to demonstrate empathy are two key measurements of masculinity. Say ‘beer’ exactly four times every sentence. Above all, ruthlessly vilify anybody who deviates from traditional gender stereotypes – it’s a guaranteed people pleaser.
There’s a bunch of ways you could go about becoming manlier: for example, you could show off how ripped you are by wearing a tight vest (or t-shirt, so long as your nipples are clearly poking through) every time you leave your room. Ideally, you’re going to want one from Polo Ralph Lauren or any other so-called prestigious brand which slaps a small logo onto the right breast for £40 upwards. This will deter any puny, pathetic beta males who would wrestle you for dominance.
Luckily for you, the patriarchal nature of our society means you’ll be rendered some sort of hero if you have sex with a female student. So if you want to vastly improve your social standing amongst your new peers, you’ve got to sleep with as many women as possible at the start of term. Remember to tell them all that you’re in love with them too, as this opens them up as a viable option when you’re ready to settle down romantically.
I wish somebody told me the most important thing about university before my Freshers week started: the amount you drink is the only factor that determines your popularity – except for your family’s wealth and any land, property, or titles you stand to inherit upon your parents’ death. This is because rich people can just buy their friends. Since you obviously chose to be born into a destitute family of degenerate serfs, you’re going to have to drink these problems away.
It’s a well-established scientific fact that how cool you are is strongly correlated with how drunk you are. If you don’t want to be caught off guard, your best bet is to stay drunk the entire time once you arrive in Oxford: for nights out, parties, pub trips, evenings in, dates, dinners, leisure time, playing sports, calls home to your parents, lectures, classes, Netflix and chill, tutorials, meeting your girlfriend’s parents, revision, exams, graduation, job interviews, moving in with your girlfriend, work, proposing to your beloved, holidays, your wedding day, the birth of your daughter, her first day at school, divorce proceedings, your daughter yelling she never wants to see you again, and your painful final moments where you despair at how it all suddenly slipped away. Now no one can possibly question your commitment to the sesh, which is solely what defines you as a young adult.
There you have it – follow my advice and you’ll fit right in! As long as you don’t behave like lame wannabe by having mature conversations about art and politics or try pursuing your own personal interests, you’ll do just fine!
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