How to end a night out with any positivity

Millie Chu helps you through the best part of a night out: going home

It’s Bridge Thursday. Robbie Williams has sung the last chord of ‘Angels’ and Anuba has closed its doors for the evening. What next? Give the top floor a go! Because after a couple hours of the same groovy reggae remixes from every week previous, you’ll definitely want to liven things up with some classic house tunes and an embarrassing pole dance.

As is the case with many other Oxford clubs, the toughest hurdle you will face in actually leaving the club is attempting to cross the smoking area. A head down, brisk walk approach normally does the trick, but in lieu of that grab a mate by the arm employ a good cop, bad cop technique. One relentlessly pushing through the throng, one behind with an apologetic smile plastered onto your face. You’ll be out of there in no time.

Avoid the irresistible pull of John Maier’s unforgiving questions. You may think you are spurting outrageously sharp witticisms, but Shark Tales is never your friend in the cold light of day. Once you’ve made it to the other side of the bridge, you are free! Pick yourself up some cheesy chips for the walk back and hope that ‘Mysterious Girl’ will stop ringing in your ears.

Next stop, Park End. You’ve probably had an awful night that started with a crew date but has ended up with you pressed up against tall sweaty rugby players. Spend some time in the smoking area, and enjoy the sensation of being pushed up against a fence and sporadically heckled by bouncers. Go home, it’s not worth it.

Let’s turn to Cellar. You mill about in the smoking area for at least an hour before you go because you sure as hell didn’t turn up to Cellar just to boogie in a sweaty box. Look after your mate who will inevitably need a wee down one of the roads off Cornmarket, and make sure to spend the majority of your time complaining about how hot it is inside.

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To make your move homeward, begin to drift towards the kebab vans, either feigning fatigue or just owning up to the fact chicken strips and chips will always trump a slightly damp DnB night. And finally, Emporium. Get ready to be stuck in a series of endless concentric circles thanks to the terrible layout: you will lose everyone you know as well as the exit.

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