Help Me I’ve Been Hacked!

Samuel Juniper writes candidly about being the victim of cyber crime

Two months ago, I received a peculiar email from Amazon, notifying me that the email address associated with my Amazon account had been changed to x1feknmhlq@list.ru. This came as a surprise, since I had never heard of this address.

Despite changing it back and asking to have my account deleted, I have been inundated with correspondence from Amazon for the last six weeks, thanking me for giving five-star reviews on a wide array of products I have never even heard of. Who hacked me? Why is this happening? Why won’t it stop? Here’s a small selection of what I’ve supposedly been raving about on the Internet:

Pansity Screen Protector for S8 Plus Mold

★★★★★– Best screen protector! (2 November 2017)

“I’ve dropped my phone on concrete a few times and it took several times before my protector cracked. I was happy to see that my phone’s glass was not even scratched.”

Absolutely none of this is true. Why would I leave a five star review for a screen protector that cracked? It failed in its singular purpose. This is not the sort of esteemed judgement I am famed for in my local community: please don’t believe this review.

Hicober Natural Silk Sleep Mask Green

★★★★★– Five Stars (8 November 2017)

“Excellent product, very good quality and so confortable to use.”

I implore you to hear me out: I would never write this. Misspelling the word ‘comfortable’, seriously! I’m so much better than that. Yes, I can make the occasional bourgeois-fuelled impulse buy, but never silk products. I am not a Chinese empress, I am not a middle-class American from the 1920s, I am not a shy but sexy high-school cheerleader from suburbia purchasing an alluring nightgown to entice my crush – the captain of the football team – when he comes over to “study” this evening. Besides, I have a badass sleep mask already, with “cruising for a snoozin’” written on the front. This is all a lie, tarnishing my good name.

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Tonicstar PS4 Controller Charger Signal Charging Dock for PlayStation 4 Wireless Controller Black

★★★★★– 8 November 2017

“Kool lookintoo!! I like it was very simple to set up .came fast”

I will say this once: I never cum fast. They’ve already stolen my Amazon account, but now my decency too? They have no honour. Do I enjoy video games a lot? Yes, of course. Do I get aroused by them? Only by a handful of characters from the Mass Effect franchise, but anything else would be strange. Oh, and I don’t even own a PS4. Explain that one.

Q-YEE Bluetooth headset with mic V41 Hand Free Wireless Sweatproof Noise Reduction Earbuds

★★★★★– great gift (8 November 2017)

“bought it for a gift and my friend loves it.”

I drew a Venn diagram consisting of two circles: my friends who like Bluetooth headsets, and my friends on whom I’d spend $29.99 plus postage. There was nobody in the intersection.

If you’re reading this, nemesis of mine, who floods my inbox with this crap on a daily basis, please stop: I don’t want to have to call Amazon ever again.

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