How to be the edgiest dresser at Cellar

Fashion. It’s a funny thing.

Remember topknots? I used to have one of those. But that was way back in 2015, a much simpler (better) time. These days, new trends are starting off left, right, and centre – it’s borderline impossible to keep up with them all.

One hotbed of fashion is none other than Oxford’s very own Cellar. Do you want to be edgy? Do you want to feel like you’re cool? Do you want to conform to society’s overwhelming consumerist pressures by shelling out exorbitant quantities of cash on a brand-new wardrobe to impress your friends, and far more importantly, strangers?

Well, look no further. I present to you a comprehensive guide of the coolest styles you’ll find in Cellar.

1. ’The Ralph Lauren Roadman’

Trackies, black top, Ralph Lauren polo hat (tragically, we didn’t have one). You got your keys fam?

Model: Teresa Rendell

What better way to hide your privileged start in life than to dress like you’re from an estate which didn’t have a butler, several acres of forests/field, or multiple ponies? Show me a better to way to divert attention from the fact you’re using daddy’s credit card than pretend you didn’t even have one growing up. I mean, how else are you going to fit in at an elite university – beset on all sides by people from wealthy, influential families – if you don’t ruthlessly appropriate working-class culture?

It’s not easy being a Ralph Lauren Roadman – you could be mistaken for a poor person at any time. A true RLR knows all the words to four, precisely four, grime songs: Shut Down, That’s Not Me, Shut Up, and Feed ‘Em To the Lions.

Remember, just because you’re dressing like a plebeian, that doesn’t mean you should be living like one. Why on earth would anyone bother leaving their ends if their hat didn’t boast a fashionable brand’s logo?

(Sidenote: Purists would argue that this outfit is never complete until it’s stained with jagerbombs and/or nondescript white powder.)

2. ’The Lumberjack’

Dungarees, checked shirt, and boots fit for a day of hiking. An axe wouldn’t hurt, too.

Model: Sam Juniper

Are they master woodcutters, ensuring we’ll have firewood aplenty to last this bitter, freezing winter? Or are they just city dwellers kitted out in dungarees and corduroy thinking they look edgy? Yet more of life’s unanswerable questions. No one knows for certain.

This lot are a hardy, friendly people (Once you ignore their infuriating habit of shouting ‘TIIIIIIMBER!’ anytime the bass drops).And, if you’re lucky enough to be heading home with one of them at the end of the night, you can be sure to wake up to a cooked breakfast and a fresh pot of black coffee. Meanwhile, your paramour will gaze out of the window, whistling softly before muttering “It’s yet another beautiful day in the wilderness”.

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3. ‘Balliol Indie’

Doc martens? Check. Trousers that aren’t made of denim? Check. A Tumblr account with >10,000 followers? Double check.

They’re not your normal, run-of-the-mill individual. They’re different. They’re alternative. They’re Balliol Indie. It’s a thing.

I believe there comes a point in every impressionable young adult’s life where they realise it’s just not worth putting up with excruciating discomfort in the name of fashion. Somehow, Balliol Indies have no such realisation. I envy them, they’re too Indie even fro nature. Imagine that. How do mere mortals wear such thick (likely homemade) jumpers inside Cellar, the world’s messiest sauna? Are their jumpers magic – does vintage shopping grant special powers in exchange for making you ever so slightly insufferable?

For some reason, this particular breed of Cellarite appears in far greater numbers for Burning Down the House, in an ultimately doomed attempt to fool themselves into thinking they live in another era. Tragic.

4. ‘The Slogan Crew’

A top with a few meaningless words scribbled on the front. ‘Stussy’? ‘Patagonia’? ‘Independent Since 1920’? It all means nothing to normies like me.

Woah, these guys aren’t fucking around. You’re telling me they’re wearing otherwise plain item of clothing with some big important words written on them? AND these words have no contextual meaning? Now that’s cool.

But it’s got to mean something. Why else would they be so keen to show off this word or phrase? Just take the guy on the left in the picture – am I meant to “CHILL”? Are they “CHILL”? What does it mean? I just find it all so confusing. Then again, we all know there’s nothing edgier than blagging about the deeper connotations of your outfit; these lot certainly have a head-start there.

5. ‘The Glitterball’

Shiny top. Warm, puffy coat. Most importantly, glitter. And lots of it.

 

Glitter is awfully popular these days – Christ, it’s the new nose ring, the new vintage Adidas/Nike jacket, the new posting people’s initials on Oxlove instead of their full name, (as if that makes using a public Facebook page to perv on somebody any less creepy).

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Glitterballs either go horrifically overboard or put everyone else to shame – I guess it depends on your perspective. Popular (read: basic) patterns include streaks of glitter across one’s cheeks or one curving up around each eye. More hardcore (read: awesome) styles include literally crying glitter (see left), a glitterbeard (see right), or giving zero fucks and getting tons of it in your hair. Expect their outfit to be adorned with shimmering sequins, shiny fabrics and trendy gemstones, or alternatively with relaxed, pastel colours, emphasising the glitter.

However, don’t be lured too close by their pavonine nature. Kissing one of these sparkling creatures would be a grave error indeed. I recently had an abysmal one-night stand made worse – this is after she had deemed the experience “disappointing” – by the vast deposit of glitter left behind on my bedding. Every morning since I’ve woken up looking far more sparkly than I feel inside. My life is a mess.

6. TheDid I Tell You I’m Vegan?’

Flamboyant patterns, wavey trousers, charity t-shirts, plant based diet, old fleeces, and – what? Again, a plant based diet! Didn’t I tell you I’m vegan?

I’m sure they’ll receive their Scott Pilgrim vs The World vegan superpowers any day now. Just you wait. Easily spotted by the jewellery they bought as a memento during their gap year (Gap Yah) in Nepal and/or Peru, they don’t eat animal products: this means they’re relatively harmless to approach in their natural habitat – Cellar.

There’s a reasonably high chance that veganism could come up in conversation, so it’d be handy to come equipped with a few talking points. For example, Sainsbury’s basics gin is vegan, oreos are accidentally vegan, there’s that stall at Gloucester Green which does nice looking vegan food (The one you’ve always been meaning to try but haven’t gotten around to yet), and how it’s ironic that despite the impressive moral stand taken by those who never consume animal products, it’s a shame that a subsection of these people won’t apply the same principles to the cocaine industry, which is responsible for thousands of human deaths in South America. Perhaps they’ve got a way of ethically sourcing it? It must be sustainable. I don’t know. They are excellent at ethically sourcing things though, I’ll give them that. Credit where credit is due.

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