Springer Samuel: Lethal cocktails for broke students

Samuel Juniper concocts some bargain booze

Art: Rebecca Marks

It’s getting very late into term, and we’ve all been here before: scraping by in our day-to-day activities, hoping that the paltry remainder of our student loan will see us through to the light at the end of the tunnel – Friday 8th week.

However, there’s some things that you just can’t avoid spending money on – namely food and alcohol. The former is rather easy to sort out on a budget, but that’s not why we’re here. This week, I threw a cocktail party – inviting all four of my friends – with a twist: I made the cheapest, most lethal cocktails I could, which I had invented myself. Read on to see my recipes and everyone’s feedback for them!

Fifteen again: 50ml Echo Falls rosé (9%, £4.25/750ml), 50ml WKD (4%, £3/700ml), 50ml vodka (37.5%, £5.25/350ml). Estimated 17%.

Alyssa: It looks so blue… can you give me the smallest amount please? Less than that. I don’t want to try it.

Teresa: It smells very sweet. Like bubblegum…in a bad way. Actually, it smells more of regrets. Drinking this makes me feel uncomfortable – like when you need to unbutton your jeans after a big meal. Much like my degree, I just don’t want to finish this. I wouldn’t pay for this.

Jess: Not sure about the Fifteen Again. If you inhale its fumes for long enough it’s sort of normalised – the taste isn’t as shocking. I feel young and free and innocent in a park.

Tom: It’s very telling that Jess is the only person who’s finished their glass. This tastes like that strawberry toothpaste you used to get as a kid. I feel sick.

Average score: 1.8/5

John Maier was overrated as shit and I was a better Shark Tales presenter (it’s salty and bitter): 50ml vodka (37.5%, £5.25/350ml), 100ml Crofters (5%, £2.05/2L), 50ml grapefruit juice (75p/1L), lemon (30p/lemon), salt. Estimated 13%.

Alyssa: Give a lot to Sam. I think you need to drink your bitterness to help you cope. Do I have to drink this?

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Samuel: This tastes like shit grapefruit juice. Incredibly tart, it combines all the wrong flavours. Not worth Tom pouring cider over my bed while he mixed this.

Jess: You can taste every separate ingredient, it’s not that satisfying. It’s the taste you have in your mouth after throwing up the night before.

Tom: It’s salty as well which makes it much worse. On the upside, it did sort of smell like pancakes!

Alyssa: Sam, why are you still drinking that?

Samuel: (long pause) I don’t actually have an answer for that question.

Average score: 1.3/5

Scent of summer: 50ml gin (37.5%, £5.50/350ml), 50ml Tesco schnapps (18%, £8/700ml), 100ml Smirnoff Ice (4%, £3/700ml). Estimated 16%.

Tom: This last one is quite similar to the Dowley – gin, schnapps, and mango juice. Available in the Terrace [Somerville bar] if you ask very nicely. It smells like a sweet shop. Okay, now I’ve tried this I hate it. These are all as bad as each other.

Teresa: You know when you get tinned peaches? This tastes just like the juice from that. To think I had high hopes for this – it’s just a shit Kopparberg. If I could taste more of the gin maybe I could handle this.

Jess: This smells really nice, almost like a sweet shop. I could get on board with this. After trying it, it’s not bad I just expected better, at least not as awful as the first one. It’s too sickly, like melted sweets.

Average score: 1.9/5

All the cocktails mixed together:

Tom: That has gone an interesting colour.

Teresa: It looks like piss. It has the smell of underage drinking. However, I’ve got to say it’s quite nice!

Alyssa: I refuse to try this abomination.

Jess: It reminds me of the first house party I went to where we sat around drinking WKD. Definitely my favourite one.

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Samuel: The lesson here appears to be just mix as many shit budget drinks as possible and pray for the best.

Average score: 2.6/5