The ultimate essay crisis sandwich

A culinary guide to the all-nighter

It’s just gone midnight and, faced with a reading list more than double the envisaged length and a day’s coffee count that can’t be safe, you quickly realise that there’s still a long while to go before you’ll be able to get to sleep.

This would all normally be fine, except you all too eagerly went down to Hall at 5pm, and so as you sit huddled over your desk, you suddenly hear the low, irritated growl of an unsatisfied stomach. It’s time to waddle the twenty-or-so feet from your room to the kitchen and whisk up that perfect dish to get you through your all-nighter.

With any luck, leftovers remain from when your parents dropped you off at the start of term, so we kick off with a frozen pitta bread. (HOT TIP: If you microwave this for around 30 seconds before toasting, it will puff up, making it much easier to put in the desired filling). Because most people on your floor have probably gone to sleep by now, it’s safe to break out the tuna. Combine with a ‘special thousand island’ for a salad cream spin on your classic ketchup-mayo combo, plus a hint of any random spice that happens to be lying around. Not too much sauce to be added, (we don’t want a soggy pitta), but just enough to make sure that you’re not battling with the perils of dry tuna flakes as you munch your way through the next item on the reading list.

While the pitta is finishing its toasting, you can sort the optional avocado. Some prefer to mash into a guac-like substance, but if it’s texture you’re after I’d recommend long slices. Place these upright in the pitta at regular intervals, with tuna in the gaps. And because no one’s around to judge you (except perhaps Cherwell readers to whom you ill-advisedly choose to relate your nighttime exploits), we must finish this off with cheese. Grated is preferable, fine slices at a pinch, layered on top of the bread and shoved in the microwave for a conservative forty seconds (if you hear the crackling of overdone cheese, I’m afraid you’ll have to start over). Some sort of seasoning across the top wouldn’t go amiss (pepper, chilli, whiskey).

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Finish with a side of crisps, or some iceberg lettuce if you’re that way inclined.

Enjoy, briefly, and get straight back to work, safe in the knowledge that there’s a Thousand Island Tuna-Avo Cheese Monster on its way to soothe all your essay-crisis troubles.

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