Dear Uncle Sam,
I am infatuated with the recently retired presenter of Shark Tales (what’s his name?) and this has been the case for some time now. It began as soon as his charming good looks appeared on our screens, lighting up what was otherwise a fairly forgettable series of Oxford’s favourite broadcast.
To be honest, the sight of that perfect face, the thought that those beautiful eyes were looking back at me, as I gazed longingly into them, was the only thing getting me through the week. Now that he is gone, my Facebook feed, nay, my life, seems empty and without meaning.
Even though I knew him for only a short time, I know that my heart will burn with this passion for a lifetime. I can feel it. Help me Uncle Sam! How can I find happiness again, when the light of my life is gone, and all around me is darkness?
Love is hard. You’re not the first young man to be swept off their feet—and you surely won’t be the last. To grapple with these intense feelings at such a tender age can be confusing, disheartening, even maddening. It sounds like your only course of action is to establish contact with your paramour and discover whether they feel the same way about you. Follow them around, learn their schedule—this will show you care about their whereabouts and safety. Analyse their behaviour from afar to establish whether you share any common interests: you’ll be able to bond over these. Write frequent love letters where you express your adoration, and the twisted things you’d be driven to do out of desperation if it’s not reciprocated. Nothing is a bigger turn on than relentless affection and borderline worship.
It may be possible that this sexy, handsome, and athletic gentleman—who is considered a genius by all his peers—may not love you back. Although this apparently unending and all-consuming adoration for the erstwhile host of Shark Tales seems important to you now during your youth, it’s vital to remember that it will ultimately mean nothing following the heat death of the universe. Once our universe, in which Earth is an insignificant, irrelevant dot, diminishes to a state of thermodynamic equilibrium, everything that has ever existed will perish. When this happens, your petty love affair will seem so pointless.
Human civilisation has existed for over 7,000 years, and yet, as a species, we have proved incapable of solving hunger, curing sickness, or reaching everlasting peace. Next to this, hosting the most recent series of Cherwell Broadcasting’s Shark Tales, which racked up an astonishing 55,000 views, seems like a bittersweet accomplishment. Why, we are no more developed than the primates we evolved from, deluding ourselves with a sense of purpose or grandeur as we float through the empty confines of space. Against this bleak backdrop, how can you have the cheek to whine about a crush?! A crush for a devilishly good-looking, witty comedian, known as Bear Solutions in the battle rap community, who is almost surely out of your league. Why bother, given the ultimate meaninglessness of it?!
If you have tried everything and still ache for your beloved, listening to his latest EP on repeat, THE MANY FACED GOD EP—available for streaming on Soundcloud—and wishing the pain would go away, you’re going to have to resort to other measures. I’d recommend doing the next best thing to dating the sultry, scintillating Sam Juniper: hiring somebody to pretend to be him and dating them instead. They’d need a nose ring, a wardrobe ripped straight from a vintage shop, and first-rate sex moves to be a believable double. If you can afford it, it’s worth paying an actor who can really flesh out the role: able to portray accurately his moral righteousness, his narcissism, his above average freestyling ability, his odd pronunciation of a handful of words, and his complex mental health.
You claimed that you’re surrounded by darkness: I have some suggestions to remedy this. Firstly, candles—and lots of them. Not only do they give your room a swanky Victorian vibe (without all that pesky tuberculosis and industrialisation), but they also illuminate your living quarters as if you were a factory tycoon yourself. Next, purchase a fire extinguisher—this will come in handy when you forget to blow the candles out and end up with a little too much light. Finally, I’d recommend phoning your landlord or an electrician: it’s rather peculiar that this fiercely intelligent, dashing young man is the only thing brightening your existence. Now, I’m no expert on the matter, but I’d imagine they’d be able to sort it out.
I hope this advice proves helpful! And who knows—maybe Mr Juniper will read this and seek you out in the hopes of kindling a romantic relationship?