Dear Uncle Sam,

How can I start an argument by saying “as a white cis male” without people laughing at my privilege?



Hi Jerry,

In 2017, some white cis males argue that it is harder than ever to be a white cis male—especially if they want to start an argument by saying “as a white cis male.” Be it a perceived discrimination against them for their skin colour, a staunch conviction that only two genders exist, or an undying belief that feminism’s only goal is the eradication of all men—there are many issues that white cis males cannot speak about. They are, somewhat ironically, cowed, bullied and downright oppressed by the socially, culturally and economically disadvantaged in society.

As a white cis male, I have a lifetime’s experience of not letting my privilege get in the way of winning a good argument. First off, you should preposition whatever you wish to say with “I’m not racist/sexist/homophobic…” This will inform everyone that you’re not bigoted in any way. If, God forbid, some pesky social justice warrior derives offence from your comment, and slanders you as prejudiced, they’re fundamentally incorrect because you’ve already informed them you’re not.

It is also worth pointing out that you don’t have it so easy yourself. This clever tactic enables people to sympathise with your cause whilst simultaneously nullifying any counter-argument suggesting that you can’t relate to generations of systematic injustice against minorities. For example, share an anecdote about when you felt uncomfortable around a more capable colleague who was not a cis white male, and how you couldn’t speak out or exercise your freedom of speech, for fear of retribution from your peers.

Alternatively, you could remind everybody about how the tables have turned in recent years: company boardrooms are increasingly made up of female employees—this is putting (mostly) white men such as yourself out of work. Also, if men and women are still unequal, how come the queen piece is so overpowered in the game of chess? Checkmate, feminazis.

As much as the PC brigade want to ridicule white cis males like you, they must swallow the cold, hard truth: most of the world’s leaders, from Donald Trump to Vladimir Putin, come from the very same demographic group they seek to discredit. Is Donald Trump privileged? I mean sure, the 45th President of the United States is a billionaire who inherited his fortune, but is his ethnicity and gender identity a factor in his being the most unpopular leader of the free world in history? I couldn’t possibly comment.

People often laugh as a demonstration of courage, proving that they are not scared of what they face before them. Therefore, if somebody is laughing at your privilege, there is only one natural path to take: scaring the shit out of them. Petulantly cut off anybody speaking over you, respond ferociously with so-called hate speech, and threaten them with brutal violence. Nothing is considered manlier, and hence sexier, than constant displays of strength to maintain your supremacy.

I know it can be hard to voice your opinions without being criticised for your worldview, which was inevitably guided and formed by your relatively easy upbringing. But fear not, for by following this guide you are guaranteed to win any argument—not to mention stopping the PC brigade from viewing you as a cis white male, but instead as a human being, just like them.

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