Dear Uncle Sam,

Our Michaelmas midriffs and Hilary love handles haven’t magically vanished like we hoped they would. What are your tips for getting a cracking summer bod in no time?

Hi there,

Thanks for taking the time to write to me. I appreciate that you’re concerned about your body image – I’ll address that elephant in the room (if you’d pardon the pun) in just a second – but first, I just wanted to have a quick chat with you about the eternal glory of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour.

Almost two thousand years ago, the Romans crucified the King of the Jews at Golgotha, or the place of the skull. From there, his soul went to Hell, where Christ was punished for the countless sins committed by humankind. After three days of unimaginable torture, Jesus of Nazareth rose from the dead and to his disciples he revealed an empirical truth: belief in God grants you salvation.

It is written in The Holy Bible that gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, thus your dreams of your beach body are in fact closely intertwined with Christian teachings. The first thing you must do is repent of your heinous sins and pray for the Father of Mankind’s forgiveness. Next, you must accept Jesus Christ, the Son of God, as your Lord and Saviour and receive the blessing of the Holy Spirit. Now you are finally ready to start shedding those pounds so you can get in shape for summertime!

People crave unhealthy foods like cheesy chips, chocolate, and churros because they’re weak. Weak and pathetic. Although we were originally made in His image, Eve corrupted our species by eating the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden – this foolishness robbed us of our previous blissful ignorance. Since humanity has been endowed with knowledge of saturated fats, all you can eat buffets, and Happy Meals, we have strayed off the righteous path and become impure. Only through total submission to Our Lord God – following his teachings to the very letter – can you hope to find your way to that chiselled torso you so desperately want.

There is no doubt that His love is unconditional and limitless. Yet the Creator of the Universe can only look the other way for so long before your enormous, bulbous rolls of fat invade His field of vision no matter which way He turns. Only through true devotion to God, be it through prayer, self-flagellation, fasting, stoning adulterers, picketing abortion clinics, parting the Red Sea, turning water into wine, or becoming a priest, can you lose weight properly.

Why did Jesus have abs so solid that you could eat your diabetes-inducing dinner off them? Because he spent 40 days fasting in the Judaean desert as a test of his faith in the Supreme Ruler of Heaven. If you really want to impress everybody by the pool this summer, you must emulate this incredible feat of piety and restraint in the name of our Lord. You shouldn’t be too pleased with the result though, or you’d be committing the cardinal sin of pride.