The Student Beans University sex league 2012 ranked Oxford 51st, behind Loughborough (expected), LSE (bitter) and Brookes (success story of “Fuzzy Ducks” and “Fishy Fingers”). With an average of just 3.44 sexual partners over the course of a three or four-year degree, to an outsider it seems like us Oxfordians just aren’t getting enough. Perhaps this is simply a reflection of the tendency for Oxford students to settle down into long-term relationships, hence skewing our ranking. Maybe we should pity those Exeter sloanes or ghastly tabs who – according to the survey – have more sexual partners than us; surely we’d all rather get laid on a daily basis with a boyfriend/girlfriend than only manage to land four one-night stands in three years? Either way, our position in the league table it is doing nothing for our credibility as sexperts. So what are we sex-starved matriculated martyrs going to do to boost this year’s score?
As we welcome in the new term there is some serious spring cleaning to be done; out with the period pants, cave-girl legs and vaginal cobwebs and in with the summer-long-shagathon.
Over the course of the term, I’ll be delivering Cherwell readers with erotic titbits guaranteed to make even your gynecologist blush. With the aid of the Ann Summers ‘book of sex’, a Cosmopolitan subscription, and my array of newly downloaded sex apps, I shall be trying the latest sex accessories, and testing ambitious sex positions your hamstrings never permitted; all in attempt to loosen the Cherwell chastity belt.
Fear not, there shall be no jumping in at the deep end here; I shall lower you in at the shallow end and gently introduce you to sexual experiences that would previously have had your knickers in a twist.
Roll on a term of sexting, sexing and outright debauchery. And hopefully by the end of Trinity term I’ll be your Anastasia Steel as she was at the end of the trilogy: sexed up and well versed in the art of fuckery.