The Student Beans University sex league 2012 ranked Oxford 51st, behind Loughborough (ex­pected), LSE (bitter) and Brookes (success story of “Fuzzy Ducks” and “Fishy Fingers”). With an average of just 3.44 sexual partners over the course of a three or four-year degree, to an outsider it seems like us Oxfordians just aren’t getting enough. Perhaps this is simply a reflec­tion of the tendency for Oxford students to set­tle down into long-term relationships, hence skewing our ranking. Maybe we should pity those Exeter sloanes or ghastly tabs who – ac­cording to the survey – have more sexual part­ners than us; surely we’d all rather get laid on a daily basis with a boyfriend/girlfriend than only manage to land four one-night stands in three years? Either way, our position in the league table it is doing nothing for our cred­ibility as sexperts. So what are we sex-starved matriculated martyrs going to do to boost this year’s score? 

As we welcome in the new term there is some serious spring cleaning to be done; out with the period pants, cave-girl legs and vagi­nal cobwebs and in with the summer-long-shagathon.

Over the course of the term, I’ll be deliver­ing Cherwell readers with erotic titbits guar­anteed to make even your gynecologist blush. With the aid of the Ann Summers ‘book of sex’, a Cosmopolitan subscription, and my array of newly downloaded sex apps, I shall be trying the latest sex accessories, and testing ambi­tious sex positions your hamstrings never per­mitted; all in attempt to loosen the Cherwell chastity belt.

Fear not, there shall be no jumping in at the deep end here; I shall lower you in at the shal­low end and gently introduce you to sexual ex­periences that would previously have had your knickers in a twist.

Roll on a term of sexting, sexing and out­right debauchery. And hopefully by the end of Trinity term I’ll be your Anastasia Steel as she was at the end of the trilogy: sexed up and well versed in the art of fuckery.