Creaming Spires: Week Three

After breaking you in gently with foreplay last week, I hope you’re now good and ready to be filled in on the most pleasurable and complex sex positions around.

We’re skipping past all the amateur stuff because quite frankly no one needs a sex column to teaching them how to hump. So make sure you’ve been doing your squats and stretches to guarantee maximum pleasure and minimal embarrassment.

Having decided that the sex position the ‘Iron Lady’ was far too inappropriate for current investigation, I decided this week to try out a position aptly named ‘X-rated’.

The boy lies on his back in an X position while the girl slowly eases herself onto him to assume backwards cowgirl. From there, the girl extends her legs backwards towards her partner’s head, with her torso moving forward to the space between his spread legs. This all seems very well and good; you feel like a pro manoeuvring into this spread-eagle arrangement, but once you are there the actual thrusting part is rather tricky. The girl grabs her partner’s ankles and pushes and pulls to slide herself up and down his body. If you haven’t been bench pressing with the boys, this position can be rather physically intense on the ol’ arms; perfect for blitzing bingo wings but not ideal if it results in rampant arm cramp worthy of a time-out.

However, in addition to the female arm workout, there are several drawbacks to this position – including a somewhat backward-bending penis (not the most comfortable for the boy), lack of thrusting power (resulting in rather weak stimulation for both of you), and a traumatic risk of feeling like a beached sea lion stranded on your partner’s torso. The more passionate the sex, the more likely this tickling sensation will transform into the dull stinging of friction burns.