New Term, New You


1. Go to the market in Gloucester Green on Fridays. It’s fun and important to support local businesses. Also the takoyaki at one of the stalls is incredible.

2. Stop wearing your school hoodie. I know you never will outgrow secondary school, but I can glean that from our conversations — I don’t need a visual reminder as well.

3. On this note, stop talking about your school. I’m sure it was horrible but everyone else’s was too.

4. Add your local kebab van on Facebook.

5. Stop reading OxStu — it is a horrible, horrible newspaper. Do you remember that story last term about Charlotte Coursier and how no one took her complaints seriously? And how OxStu thought it would be really respectful to put this article next to their latest recruiting campaign: naked editors covered in OxStu newspapers.

6. Come up with a catchphrase. This changed my life but sorry, Hot damn! is taken.

7. Join a society. The more obscure/weird the better. I am personally a big fan of the Tea Appreciation Soc and also the Quidditch Society, but there is always your subject society if you’re boring.

8. Please stop playing me your Soundcloud. There are some things in this world which I do not wish to know about and your musical taste/lack thereof is very high on that list.

9. Delete your tumblr. You are not Molly Soda, nor are you the Social Justice warrior you think you are.

10. But! Respect minority societies as places where people who belong to these minorities can discuss the issues which affect them in an environment in which they feel safe. It is rude and inappropriate to invade these places unless you have been specifically invited or are a member.

11. Remember: You are not Wavvey and you never will be. Please stop trying so hard.

12. Please use regional slang. It adds a touch of interest to your character and it makes you seem way hotter and makes class A chirpsing way easier.

13. Stop saying “literally” and “ah-mazing” all the time. Most often whatever you are referring to is neither of those things.

14. Also, stop saying “private parts” or “vajayjay” or whatever. It’s a vagina, how old are you? Sidenote: giggling at sex in tutes is ridiculously obnoxious.

15. Read your horoscope. Not because you believe in it but because it occasionally has some sound life advice.

Best of luck for Trinity and I hope all goes your way. Hot damn! Have a great term!


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