St Hugh’s – Journey to the Centre of the Earth
Two places that have never had human eyes laid on them: the Earth’s core and St Hugh’s. So seemingly close yet in reality so unbelievably far away, it’s almost certainly easier to bore through thirty miles of igneous rock than it is to travel that far down Banbury Road. But that won’t stop intrepid explorers from trying (and then realising it’s just not worth the hassle).
St. Hilda’s – Shutter Island
A strange, enclosed island where incredibly dangerous mad people are kept by equally sinister clipboard-wielding doctor types. But who are the patients and who are the doctors? No one enters, no one leaves, and no one is sure of its exact location. Reports of supernatural activity, cannibalism and loose satanic connections remain unconfirmed.
University – Film
You may never have heard of Film, Samuel Beckett’s only screenplay, but even if that is the case you know instantly what you’re dealing with as a result of the most self-explanatory name in the history of self-explanatory names. Univ’s founder, William of Durham, was evidently a similar fan of self-referential post-modern piss-taking.
Exeter – The Hunger Games
A starved dystopia where legions of enslaved adolescents are forced to fight for the right to eat, Exeter is starting to resemble Suzanne Collins’ Panem a worrying amount after last year’s Hall price debacle. Let’s hope the revolution catches fire sooner rather than later.
St Catherine’s – The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Dark and Danish, Catz could have been The Killing. Or The Bridge. Or literally any of the other Scandicrime media that your parents have enjoyed watching over the last eight years or so. With that in mind, what could be more appropriate than the most perverse of the lot, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo? Everyone’s heard the rumoured horrors lurking in the dark basements of Arne Jacobsen’s industrial glass-and-concrete leviathan.
Balliol – The Thick of It
Filled with wannabe Margaret Thatchers and Alistair Campbells, the corridors bristle with barely concealed political subterfuge and conspiracies coated in an inescapable sense of ineptitude and an inclination to enormous cock-ups. ‘Catastrofuck’, ‘omnishambles’ and ‘as useful as a marzipan dildo’ are regularly heard echoing around the JCR.
Christchurch – Titanic
The flagship of the fleet; a decadently gleaming monument to human ingenuity/intellectual achievement. A tourist attraction like no other, it draws visitors from far and wide. From the outside, an awe-inspiring monolith. On the inside, spacious, luxuriously furnished and with an elite clientele. But the decadent façade eventually ruptures. And all it reveals is a wreck at the bottom of the Atlantic festooned with Leonardo Di Caprio’s frozen corpse.
All Soul’s – Psycho
Just like the Bates Motel, All Soul’s is somewhere you’d never want to find yourself: a perpetually deserted labyrinth of abandoned rooms and eerily quiet quads, run by a secretive and frankly unnerving set of owners/tutors. And then before you know it, you find yourself being stabbed in the shower by a psycho dressed up in their long-dead mother’s clothes. Probably best just to stay away.