Some fashions don’t fade fast enough

Yves Saint Laurent famously said, “Fashions fade, style is eternal.” Unfortunately some don’t fade quickly enough – they fade out gradually like the highlights in ombre dyed hair. There’s only really one solution to these fashions, and that hair, and that’s the chop. The removal needs to be short and sharp, like pulling off a plaster, and the disposal needs to be permanent, to stop the infection spreading. This week, Cherwell puts a stake through the heart of outdated trends.

Our first victim is denim. While we advocate double denim and dungarees, as per our shoot this week, there are some denim trends that don’t ever deserve to come back. Summer Taylor (below), who’s something of a denim connoisseur after modelling in our denim shoot, addresses denim’s arch-nemesis, the jegging, and denim’s enemy within, super low- rise jeans.

“Jeggings,” she explains, “are denim imposters invented be- cause skinny jeans just weren’t enough for some people. They are inventively named jeggings because they resemble jeans but are made of legging material. The thing is, no one needs to see anyone’s knobbly knees in such high faux denim definition.”

“Another denim style
that is equally abhorrent
is the super low-rise jean.
These are neither aes
thetically pleasing (why
would you want shorter
legs and a longer torso?)
nor remotely practical. Un-
less you want to keep your fingers permanently hooked in the belt straps, perennially hoisting and re-adjusting, low-rise jeans are
a no go. They’re ugly and uncomfortable and ultimately not worth the kidney infection. High-waisted jeans, on the other hand, not only look great but help promote a healthy constitution by keeping your kidneys warm. Ideal.”

This sounds like something my mother would say, in fact I’m sure she has said it, when I was 13 and after a particularly beautiful pair with ‘Von Dutch’ emblazoned across the back. With the benefit of hindsight, and taste, I have to admit that my mother was right. Sigh. She’s also right about two other denim disasters currently polluting Britain’s highstreets: very short shorts on girls and low slung jeans on boys.

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Mother Gaunt is happy to contribute some choice words for the young and beautiful. “Girls, I know you have nice legs, and yes I am jealous, but no one, not even you, looks good in those short shorts.”

She continues, “Boys need to put their bums away too! No-one wants to see your grundies hanging out of your low
slung jeans. It may
be comfortable to have your belt on its loosest setting, but even I know that sometimes you have to suffer for your style.” Tallulah Le Merle agrees that comfort cannot always be a deciding factor, as she comes to terms with the ugliness of UGG. “I will be the first to admit they are comfortable. Okay, more than that, they’re like walking on the fluffy clouds the Greek gods had sex on. But they are heinous – the aesthetic is chunky, they make legs look stubby, and the lighter colours get dirty and look horrible in no time. What kind of investment is that?”

We leave you with a few choice words from Benjamin Berry, Cherwell’s resident sartorial sasser. He disses four fashions from four corners of the fashion world: jewellery, hair, knitwear and sportswear…

Jewellery, Chokers: If you want to make an amazing outfit tacky, add a choker. The 90s are over, honey, and the choker belongs at the back of the closet, or preferably, the bin.

Hair, Undercuts: Ellie Goulding may have been ‘it’ in 2012, but undercuts are a thing of the past. Keep grimy in the gutter and don’t burn out with this unfortunate style in 2015.

Knitwear, Ponchos: Although I fully condone knit- wear (keep those cable knits coming!), and the oversized scarves that were all over the AW14 runways, one thing I cannot stand is the knitted poncho. Think M&S before the revamp meets new-age hippy.

Sportswear, Stash: Last time I checked, it wasn’t cool to dress up like a public schoolboy who’s forgotten to change after rugby practice. Stash is one sartorial choice I want to see banished from the streets of Oxford and con- fined to public school sports pitches.