Bexistentialism: HT16 1st Week


As I peruse my pristine 2016 diary, scrabbling for something relevant to discuss in this godforsaken column, I pause for a moment of contemplation. Because if I am frank and honest, which dear readers of course I always am, most of my week has been within the limbo-confused-space-time-continuum of non-being.

“What shit is this girl chatting?”, I hear you despondently cry. Well this week, the shit I am chatting is even less tangible than normal. Non-being is not an organised sport or a spiritual state, nor any sort of achievement really. Non-being is the static consumption of time. Non-being is the act of not really doing very much. Active passivity. Boiling the kettle, forgetting you’ve boiled the kettle. Remembering the second time and pouring hot water into a teabag-adorned mug. Leaving the mug by the kettle. Looking up from Facebook an hour later and remembering that the mug is still by the kettle.

For those who are not familiar with this particular line of non-being, picking up the mug is to be confronted with floating tea-skin. An apt metaphor for non-being. Non-being is tea residue. Don’t kid yourself, we are all bits of floating tepid residue from time to time.

So despite getting up at 8am to be productive, it is only to find myself still eating biscuits and organising my desk at 3pm. Well, except that the biscuits haven’t actually made it into my mouth yet. They’re sitting on the desk that is yet to be organised. I decide that time is a fickle thing. It is time’s fault, not mine. Being stuck in a time-continuum is a tough thing to write about, especially when it involves precisely nothing. (Although if something is nothing, then is nothing something? For another week).

So to fill the space with non-being, I thought the best way would be to peruse the darkest depths of my phone notes for things that have no value or sense. In no particular order:

25 September 2015, 22:55


6 February 2015, 23:19

Tickle the egg

18 January 2016, 19:32

– 250g lean minced pork
– Teabags
– Fresh coriander
– Curry paste
– Naan bread
– Will I even look at this list when I go shopping? Hi if you’re there.
– 1 onion

19 October 2015, 20:43

Unnecessarily primarily curtseys

3 December 2014, 02:59

“Is it flavour fusion, or is it mixing?”

27 October 2014, 19:47

Sex and Success don’t mix

17 October 2014, 22:33


22 April 2014, 16:38

Oh my god no! It’s the vicar!


The mind is a strange thing. That’s all for now, but I wish you a good week of somethings and anythings and everythings. Just don’t forget your tea.


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