Any outsider might think that Oxford students would be professionals in the library: wandering through the dusty shelves, in their element, diligently getting their heads down to produce yet another thought-provoking tutorial essay. But I’m sorry to tell you – this is entirely untrue. Getting through life in the Oxford libraries is an art, and I’m here to show you just how it’s done.
Firstly, if you want to reach maximum impressiveness, you’re best heading down to the Radcam or the Bod: no self-respecting BNOC spends their time wandering around the Sackler. Following an embarrassingly difﬁcult trek up the stairs (the result of your abysmal capacity for cardio), you can pretend to yawn to cover up the fact that you’re panting from climbing literally two ﬂights of stairs. This also has an added perk: it makes you look like you’re recovering from a massive sesh last night, instead of snuggling you pillow watching Bake Off.
Once you manage to ﬁnd a seat (preferably not near that thirty year old postgrad who’s muttering to himself whilst reading), you can start your study session by getting up any lecture notes you have. Even if you’re not reading them, it makes you look a whole lot more studious whilst you swipe left on tinder under your desk.
Try not to get too put off by the rapid-ﬁre typing of everyone around you – they’re likely writing Oxloves about that girl they chirpsed at last week’s bop. You, on the other hand, are a professional. Opening up a new document, you stare at the blank screen in front of you for approximately 10 minutes, before seeking refuge in the familiar embrace of Wikipedia, ashamed to admit that you’re too lazy to open up a book. Alas, it happens to the best of us – better luck with next week’s essay.