So, you’re at Oxford now. You must be pretty clever then. But then again you’re probably pretty ugly too. And a virgin. And that’s not going to change soon. Especially if you’ve put on the 15lb of Freshers’ Fat. But I thought Freshers’ Week was all about getting pissed and getting laid?
I’m afraid not. It’s all about the library inductions, baby. But don’t worry, it only lasts for three days. And I heard that the second and third years really help to make the Freshers feel at home?
Absolutely. College families are a great idea. Only in Oxford is incest not only legal but positively encouraged fun for all the family. And if you are getting FAF-ed about, you might want to write (and rewrite, and rewrite) a quick email to your college welfare officer asking for condoms. What’s this ‘Oxford by Night’ thing I see in the schedule?
Well, the SCR wasn’t happy with an event called ‘The Three-Legged Pub Crawl’ so it had to be renamed. ‘Oxford by Night’ seems to be fine with them. So what’s the highlight of Freshers’ Week?
Forced fun formal hall with your geriatric and world famous (in academic circles) tutors is inevitably followed by a visit to the ever delightful Park End. Yeah, I heard that was Oxford’s premier clubbing experience.
Undoubtedly. There you’ll meet all the other people you won’t be having sex with for the next three years. And the Regent’s Park freshers – both of them. So, where’s the after-party?
In the Bodleian. And if you do manage to lure a fellow Fresher, who hasn’t been battered about the head with the ugly stick, back to your room, just hope that they’re still wearing their name-badge. Otherwise you’ll have to resort to the derogatory nickname that the rest of college has had for them since the first drunken night. Remember, there’s no better passion killer than ‘Come Here Projectile Vomit Girl!’.And the next morning?
It’s not the walk of shame, but the walk of fame… to the library. But, wait, I gave up alcohol on my tedious gap year breast-feeding orang-utans; what’s there to do for the non-drinkers?
Precious little. Film-nights are the Entz team’s (or Dean’s) answer. So I’ve heard at least – haven’t been to them, doubt anyone else has. But if you do want to solo The Lion King while knocking back orange squash it might well be for you. The whole thing doesn’t sound much fun then?
Oh, it is but only when you’re a second year. There’s still alcohol aplenty, you’ll probably have friends by then and, if things didn’t go too well with members of the opposite sex last year, there are loads of new ones to try your luck with.ARCHIVE: 0th week MT 2005
Passe Notes
