Obituary: the celebrity wedding

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IT IS with an impeccable single tear that we announce the untimely death of the Celebrity Wedding, though it far outlived the marriages of most of its participants. Much in the same way that the epic was killed off by Paradise Lost, the Celebrity Wedding self-imploded after the recent well-publicised superlative and surely insurmountable example of all it stood for.Swathed in spangly pink taffeta, demurely showcasing the monumental chest that is as much a feat of modern engineering as the London eye, our modern-day fairytale princess Jordan walked up the fuchsia aisle to take as her husband, till tabloid gossip do part them, her equally unfeasibly orange Nineties Smash Hits popster beau. The couple beamed with happiness as they realised they would get to spend the rest of their lives with the reported £1 million from an exclusive photo deal with a certain reputed magazine, and that they could spend a honeymoon basking in the knowledge that they had probably outdone Posh and Becks.All the prerequisites of the Celebrity Wedding were there: grand and quasi-aristocratic setting (borrowing from its sister-phenomenon, the Royal Wedding), an unconventional twist on a traditional form of transport (not just a horse and carriage but an actual pumpkin) and a small child from the bride’s former relationship with a footballer (note: in the history of the Celebrity Wedding the footballer and pop-star are interchangeable in the roles of past-lover and husband-to-be). We have witnessed such scenes many a time, when taking up the centre pages of tabloids, but this one couldn’t be topped: the cake was bigger, the rings were shinier, the bridesmaids had representatives from more girl bands than ever before and the skirt was so monumental it had to be whipped off, Bucks Fizz-style, to reveal a skimpy mini so that the groom could dance with his bride to a version of a certain disney ballad the pair had recorded themselves the week before.Though this historical occasion exemplified the true ‘Girlhood dream’ aspect of the Celebrity Wedding, the matrimonial institution has adopted many and various forms in its lifetime; there was the Beach Wedding, the Secret Wedding and, of course, the Vegas Little White Chapel wedding (though an expert like Jordan may deem this a little passé). The Celebrity Wedding is at its biggest and best when, like Jordan and Peter, celebs marry within the trade. With this comes the potential for events boasting almost exclusively celebrity guest lists, be it the cast of Friends, elton John or just Gazza and Shane Richie. In keeping with its life, the funeral of the Celebrity Wedding promises far more sparkle, mystery and guests wearing sunglasses indoors than any of us mere mortals could ever wish for. We can’t substantiate anything because all juicy details have been promised away with large sums attached to them, but we believe mourners to include the accountants of at least two glossy magazines, several disgruntled pre-nup lawyers, and the runner up from x-Factor whose single is out on Monday.
ARCHIVE: 5th week MT 2005

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