Guess what! You can stop losing sleep over the state of politics in Britain. All those nights of waking up in cold sweats over the declining authority of parliament are over. David Cameron has the answer – “New Politics.” The old ways of centralisation, bureaucracy and red tape will be swept away in a tsunami of Compassionate Conservatism.
In a (very) long article in the Guardian, Mr Lovable Potato-face himself sets out his plans for a new Britain, where only a “massive, sweeping, radical redistribution of power” can save us from the eternal evils of the state. To his credit, Mr Cameron has once again demonstrated his razor-sharp political instinct. Publishing his plans exclusively in the Guardian reaches into Labour’s heartland, while pointing out an area where he and Polly Toynbee (the Guardian’s left-wing crusader) agree will help assuage the fears of millions of liberal leftists – people who can’t deny a tugging attraction to Cameron yet wonder if they can really bring themselves to commit the mortal sin of voting Conservative.
Even if the government were not quite so tired and disgraced, such political astuteness from Cameron would win him the next election. Contrast with Number Ten’s frankly unbelievably poor handling of the Ghurka fiasco. Exactly who was it who thought that battling those brave, venerable defenders of our great nation was a good idea? Brown’s formidable jowls quiver at the prospect of an election, and rightly so.
An encouraging sign in Cameron’s article is that finally we are getting some tangible policy promises, rather than vague statements of intent. For instance the number of MPs will be cut by 10%. Fair enough. There aren’t enough seats for them in the Commons when they all show up together anyway. This reform will avoid antagonising many a creaking, arthritic knee, if achieving little else.
One of the most radical proposals is to introduce fixed term parliaments, removing the power to call an election from the prime minister. This is the most effective weapon in the PM’s arsenal – the political A-bomb with which he can dangle the prospect of unemployment in front of every MP in Parliament. It would be politically stupid (if constitutionally clever) to strip the PM of this power, and Mr Squidgy has a state-of-the-art political radar. That’s why, compared to the other absolute promises, this proposal merits only “serious consideration” – a classic get-out phrase for all unrealistic yet popular ideas.
Life would be so much more fun if Cameron were more like Anthony Steen MP, who claims voters are only really angry about MPs expenses because they’re jealous of his “very very large house.” Alas, the slickness of Cameron’s media machine almost compares to the one that brought Blair to power many moons ago. It will win the Conservatives the election, after which I’ve a suspicion we’ll all sit twiddling our thumbs, waiting in vain for the joyous age of the “New Politics” to begin.
