Keeping Tabs

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This week in Cambridge, the town has been buzzing with news of witch-kings, shock-jocks, hoaxes and multimillion pound London dealings.
Attempts by Magus Lynius Shadee, self-appointed ‘king of all witches,’ to set up a centre for the occult has upset religious leaders across Cambridge. Fr Dick Healy of the Church of Our Lady described the witch-king as “twisted.” Shadee chose Healy’s church earlier this year to perform a ritual to summon a demon and ‘cleanse’ the church. Fr Healy confirmed he would not be performing an exorcism, but will consider reporting Shadee to the police.

Over at the Union, plans to host Michael Savage, the US shock-jock, have been abandoned for financial reasons. Savage, who has been banned from entering the UK for his arch-conservative nationalist views, will no longer be speaking at the political correctness debate later this term via video-link. Many will be pleased not to give a platform to a man accused of “abuse[ing] our standards and values to undermine our way of life” by the British government.

Pranksters at Jesus college are being sought out by their porters after successfully duping their entire JCR into believing that Jesus’ lawns, being re-seeded at the time, were soon to be paved over. In an official-looking letter posted to every pidge, students were invited to register their opinions of the plans by filling out a complaint slip and dropping it in a feedback box in the post-room. It is not known quite how many complaints were dropped in the box before the porters removed it, but the lawns-paving protest movement had it’s own facebook group and petition by the end of the week. Since the news that it was all a hoax has emerged, both have, sadly, been abandoned.

Trinity, the wealthiest college in Cambridge, has bought the lease for London’s O2 arena in a £24m deal. They described the move as “part of the long-term investment strategy of the College.” Trinity’s overall estimated endowment now sits at £621 million.

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