5th: The Bullingdon Club

The cabinet may now be full of ex-members, but its glory days are over, and is now synonymous with washed up Etonians who were never cool at school, attempting to redefine themselves as wildly exciting men about town with a vastly overblown sense of self-worth. Rumours about more invitations rejected than accepted abound…

4th: Essay statuses

The prevalence of work-related facebook statuses is worrying. Every essay is apparently a crisis, but guess what – everyone has work to do. NO ONE cares whether you’ve got 2000 words to go or 20, or how precisely you’re procrastinating. Smug gloating about having finished is also unacceptable, FYI.

3rd: Kukui/Park End/Bridge/Wahoo/Clems

If this sounds like the order of your typical week then you need to take a step back and reconsider. We’re not saying that these nights are objectionable individually. Hell, you can get away with going to three in a week at a push, but the capacity for this much cheese within seven days, though perhaps rare, is a truly terrible thing.

2nd: Stash

Just about permissible when actually participating in sporting events, but the sporting of stash as mufti (college hoodies count by the way) is a big style no-no: actually quite offensive, and just plain ugly. Watch out for law soc committee members – the worst offenders. Don’t you have any other clothes?

1st: Pretension

Ok, we have all probably been guilty of this, and the most pretentious among us probably aren’t even aware of it. Talking about the significance of spatial elements in Jane Austen self- consciously over coffee or outside the Rad Cam (doing this in public spaces is key of course), air-conducting a mental Beethoven symphony as you tuck into hall, or discussing anything as ‘meta’, are examples of this social crime. It’s a bit like sex: do it in private, and not too loudly.