St Hugh’s vote for College Monarch

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St. Hugh’s College JCR has passed a motion appointing a new, unelected ‘College Monarch’ and Upper House this week.
Students voted in favour of the monarch and peer system, which it hopes will put the JCR more in line with British politics, since “Parliament has achieved a lot more than our JCR.”

The new monarch will be officially required to make a speech at St. Hugh’s Christmas Formal Hall and attend the openings of new buildings and departments, together with “referring to themselves as “one” or “we” and developing an interesting wave”.

JCR funds will be used to purchase a crown and scissors for the use of the new King or Queen.

Further changes to the JCR system would see an unelected Upper House made up of organ scholars, wealthy members of College and Lord Alan Sugar.

The monarch was randomly selected using a statistical programme devised by College Maths undergraduates.

Alex Bolton, who proposed the motion, advised that the crown will now be passed on through the monarch’s closest college relations, provided that boys and older children have preference, and Catholics are disallowed.

He also said the throne could be seized by anyone who killed the current monarch, although literal murder was not necessary.
Bolton explained, “If you can pin something on them to get them rusticated that’s fine.”

Bolton said he hoped there would be a space in the Upper House for those who had done favours to the JCR Committee, defining these as “money, sexual favours, whatever the JCR wants”.

In a further nod to the British parliamentary system, the written constitution of the JCR will be split into a collection of different documents to be held as scrolls in the college library.

These changes come in a week of extensive new proposals from St. Hugh’s JCR. One motion suggested that a naked statue be erected of Charities Representative James Barnard as recognition of his work for the JCR.

Another proposed that the former JCR President Liam O’Connor and Vice President Cameron Dobbs go on an official date. The proposer, Jacqui Machin, said, “We’ve mandated them to do a lot of things, and now they need to do some man-dating themselves.”

The most radical motion, however, suggested that the JCR Committee be disbanded altogether and its funds put towards a large annual “lash party”. The motion did not pass.

The week’s changes drew mixed reactions from St. Hugh’s students. One first year said, “We’ve held our referendum and I voted in favour of the creation of a St. Hugh’s monarchy as I feel that the College would benefit from an unelected authority to temper the more boring democratic JCR elections.

“I’m hoping for a Hugh’s royal wedding next year to rival Kate and Wills’. I’ve already bought my hat.”

David Griffiths, a second year student at the college, said, “The new monarch is going to be a terrific addition to the life of St Hugh’s and I hope in this time of economic hardship we can treat their children and grandchildren to a needlessly expensive wedding and send them off to build bridges with the UAE. Long live the King. Or Queen.”

St. Hugh’s JCR hopes to implement the system of monarchy and peers by next term. Concerns that a monarch will breach equality rules in the JCR constitution have so far been overturned, but the motion has not universally been received favourably.

One third year student described the motion as “seriously fucking lame”.

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