Christ Church JCR has unanimously passed a motion to employ a masseuse during exam time in an attempt to knock Magdalen off the Norrington table top spot.

In the minutes of the General Meeting on Sunday, Andy Pearson, the Christ Church finalist who proposed the motion, is quoted as saying, “Magdalene [sic.] came top of the Norrington table last year.


“We all know that we should dick all over Magdalene [sic.].


 “So I thought to myself ‘what do they have that we don’t’ and the answer is a professional masseuse during exam season.”


Pearson later told Cherwell that the Magdalen masseuse “may not actually exist” saying he had heard about it “through a complicated string of Chinese Whispers”.


Lauren Daum, the President of Magdalen JCR said, “I’m afraid we do not have a masseuse…if only!”


Magdalen topped the degree classification table for the first time last year with over 50% of its finalists earning a First whilst Christ Church came seventh out of the thirty colleges, with a third of its students making the top class.


Figures show that Magdalen has consistently attained a higher position then Christ Church in the table over the last five years.


However Pearson claimed, “I can tell you that a similar scheme is in place at Tufts University, and is extremely popular (they also have puppies and kittens brought in during the exam season- perhaps this will be next…).” 


He also stressed the serious side of the motion, saying, “While it looks like a joke motion, it does address a real problem that many finalists face: they’re very stressed, and the methods that they use to counter this stress aren’t always particularly good for them.


“Hopefully some massage, combined with simply taking the time out of the library, will make things a bit better.”


Regarding the financing of the masseuse he said, “The money for this would come primarily from welfare, however I personally would find a massage very entertaining so maybe some from entz as well.”


Christ Church’s JCR President, second year Matt Barrett said, “I think the motion is excellent, everyone knows that exams are stressful and a free massage would be an excellent way to chill out.


“The JCR obviously has the welfare of its members at heart and we’ll do what we can to make exam season bearable.


“The proposer expressed a preference for Swedish massage but the specifics are yet to be worked out.”


He also said that the meeting was “well attended” although concerns over reaching quorum in general meetings were raised in a separate motion at the meeting.


Speaking about the success of the motion, Magdalen JCR President Daum, said, “We would encourage Christ Church to take whatever steps they feel are necessary in order for them to present us with a credible challenge in the Norrington-Table-stakes.


“Sadly we feel it may take (much) more than employing a masseuse.  In the mean time, we will continue to enjoy giving them an ‘intellectual whopping’ year on year.”