Corpus Christi have scheduled a marriage ceremony between the two college tortoises as Oxford gears up to commemorate the royal wedding today.
Oldham and Foxe, described as being “in a loving relationship since they met six years ago,” will marry at 2pm, immediately after William and Kate.
Alex Coupe, Corpus’ Tortoise Keeper, describes the marriage as “a celebration of corpus’s favourite reptiles in the first pseudo-official reptilian civil-partnership!”
JCR President, Jack Evans, said the engagement marked “a great day for our JCR” and wished the couple a long and happy life together. In a press release, the tortoise Oldham was quoted as saying, “We are both very, very happy,” and it was reported he proposed while they were both on holiday to Kenya.
However, Cherwell was informed of a vicious enmity developing between the couple. “Oldham has been discovered physically attacking Foxe. Allegations being that he mounted Foxe on numerous occasions, and attempted to push Foxe down the stairs.
Despite the fact that most colleges are retaining their original collections timetables for Friday, many JCRs are nonetheless attempting to organise viewings of the wedding for all who can attend. Somerville, for instance, will be setting up a projector in the college bar whilst Trinity’s JCR will be reserved for Royal Wedding-watchers only while the coverage is on.
Mala Murlwood of Mansfield College told Cherwell that even though some students face to six hours of exams today, they still plan on screening “William & Kate: The Movie” in the evening, a film described as being “toe-curlingly, teeth-furringly, pillow-bitingly ghastly”.
Several colleges, including Regent’s Park, Pembroke, Lincoln and Mansfield will have Britain themed bops in 0th week whilst Trinity are going all out with “A Right Royal Bop.”
Students at some colleges have raised concerns over the continuation of collections on the Bank Holiday. The JCR Exec of Christ Church reportedly petitioned the college management to have their collections moved forward a day, but were denied their request leaving one student “absolutely furious”.
St Catz student Nathan Jones, a fervent royalist who presented Prince Philip with a ticket to St Catz ball, said that it was “a shame that my college isn’t following Corpus’s example in enabling all of its students to make the most of the day.”
He also pointed out that several of the libraries will be closed on that day and that catering or cleaning services in many colleges had been cut or reduced to give staff the day off. Jones remarked that it was “unfair that staff are able to enjoy the opportunity to celebrate the event when students do not have that option.”
Not all Oxford residents are thrilled by the royal engagement however, with an anti-royal street party planned for Manzil Way on Friday. Organised by the BigSociety Events Committee, a group campaigning for a republican Britain, their Facebook event proclaims, “If you’d rather be in EAST Oxford than WESTminster Abbey on 29th April…then get yourself on the Uncivil List and join us for a STREET PARTY!”
One attendee has condemned the event for “distracting from real events of the day and an enormous expense burden on taxpayers”. The Bank Holiday will force people to “take the day off, even if they don’t want to, but who can’t afford to lose the wages” he added.
Another student commented, “I’ve been labelled a ‘killjoy’ for not gushing enthusiasm for the Royal Wedding. You don’t have to be anti-British to think the monarchy is an outdated institution; it stands for everything an progressive democratic country should protest.”
“According to the Federation of Small Businneses, today is going to cost the economy £5 billion. I am sure the couple love each other very much and their marrige is a happy occasion for them, but there is no reason why two very rich and priviledged people should be entitled to taxpayers’ money.”
Over 500 people may attend the street party, one of eight sanctioned by Oxford City Council for the big day.
The Mayor and town council of Abingdon have announced that they will be throwing 4,000 currant buns from the roof of the County Hall Museum at 6pm on Friday to mark the Royal occasion. This is a tradition that dates back 250 years to the coronation of King George III.