Having woken up in a particularly foul mood this morning, I’ve decided to have a rant. The subject of this rant will be Beyonce and her sudden ability to piss me off, a lot, despite having been a pretty big fan of hers – yep I said it. This new found disdain was sparked by the video for her latest song ‘Rule the World’ . There’s so much wrong with the video, and the song for that matter that I don’t even know where to start, but here goes.
B is pretty much famous for having crazy videos, but they’re usually fun and uplifting, everything a pop video should be. I don’t know a single person who doesn’t love ‘All the Single Ladies’ and let’s face it we’ve all tried that dance move in our rooms at least once. Besides the overly dramatic intro which sees Beyonce dressed in white riding into some kind of wasteland on a black horse, it’s the used and overused trope of men versus women in a spontaneous dance- off is what really got under my skin. Furthermore the basic feminist rant that her lyrics suggest, ‘I’m repping for the girls who taking over the world’, is slightly undermined by the fact that she is gyrating around wearing close to nothing in practically every scene of this five minute long piece of torture. Sure the dancing is a testament to a woman’s ability and freedom to use her sexuality and all that jazz but in the end she’s just using her body to sell the product, which sadly for us is a botched up mish mash excuse for a pop song. ‘My persuasion can build a nation’, GOD let’s hope not. Now I’m no prude, but there’s no way my kids will be taking their cue from Miss Knowles unless its from her Destiny’s Child days, now there’s a girl band who knew about good old family values, remember ‘Nasty Girl‘ what happened to that B?
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Wow, I sound like a jaded fan that’s been let down by their biggest idol crossed with a version of my grandmother! Nonetheless this vid just seems like a self indulgent form of megalomania, note the flag with Beyonce’s face on it at 0.07 seconds, it’s pretty hilarious. Having hyenas on chains like she’s some kind of Nigerian gangster is pretty outrageous too, it seems that Beyonce got lost somewhere on her way to super super stardom and now finds herself among the those narcissistic stars who just can’t tell when they’ve gone too far. Sadder still is the sheer shlockiness of the actual song.
Diplo has basically gone and shot himself in the foot, albeit a very lucrative injury, by collaborating with Beyonce on this one. The song makes little to no sense as it’s essentially five long minutes of B whining over misplaced interjections of that electro riff that we all loved so much circa Notting Hill Carnival 2009. I’m even sadder because Pon De Floor has now been ruined for me forever more. Never again will I be able to listen to Major Lazer without conjuring up the image of Beyonce licking her finger in a golden suit of armour, and that really pisses me off. There’s nothing worse than a non-song and the incessant drums and pulsating beat doesn’t come anywhere near to covering up the total lack of melody on this nauseating excuse for a song. I just wish B could return to making hits like ‘Crazy in Love’ now there’s a song you can groove to. I’d love to say that ‘Rule the World’ is just a – terrible terrible – slip in judgement but the video for one of her other recent songs has left me feeling hopeless, and I fear we’ve lost her forever. ‘Move your Body’ ends with Beyonce imploring us to ‘Wave the American flag’ I think I’ll pass on that one thanks. Allegedly having written more than 70 songs for the new album ‘4’ which drops on June 28th, I fear that the star has traded in quality for quantity, but I’m sure she won’t suffer from it. Her fan base is simply too devoted: check this out – warning its not that funny, but gets the point across.
My rant is over and because I hate to leave you on a low note, here’s a playlist of some good pop music from the finest female pop stars the world has to offer. These songs do exactly what they say on the tin. Enjoy!
PS: Having just found out that ‘Move Your Body’ is part of the American campaign to fight obesity I feel a little guilty for slagging it off… nevertheless the point remains, Beyonce’s love of tuneless songs with un-subtle lyrics is sad and underwhelming to say the least. Let’s hope there are a few bangers on ‘4’, I’m not sure how much longer I can listen to ‘Single Ladies’ on repeat.
