After 3 years out undergoing an intense scouting and training program aimed to create the perfect balance between Barcelona’s passing prowess and Leeds’ version of ‘hoofball’, the St. Anne’s 3rds marked their return to the Oxford reserve league with a surprise 3-0 victory in a fourth reserve division clash with now local rivals Keble.
After spending all summer meticulously preparing for the game, the 3rds were left broken and distraught when they discovered that the match had been cancelled at the last possible moment.
“One minute I was walking out of the shower bellowing ‘Big Bang’s on the shirt’ at the top of my voice,” explained captain Ollie Waring “and the next my sense of decency was violated by the news that ‘we’re going to have to call the game off as we haven’t got enough players.’ I haven’t been this disgusted and angered by humanity since the last time my homepage was changed to a video of Iniesta’s Champions League semi-final winner over Chelsea.”
After hours spent persuading the opposing captain to muster enough men for the game, the 3rds were left with no choice but to take the 3-0 victory by default. Yet despite starting the season with a comfortable win, the victory proved hollow for some members of the St. Anne’s faithful.
“A victory in this manner disgusts me,” alleged an anonymous member of the side. “We even offered to go to their college and recruit players for them but they still couldn’t muster even enough for 5-a-side. It goes against everything this team was formed for. I probably put more effort into getting out of bed this morning than their captain did into producing a team.
“We set up this team to provide your average, uncoordinated, two-left footed college member with an opportunity to enjoy a stress free kick about in the park every week,” he continued. “This kind of behaviour is absolutely despicable: we want to see players play with passion for their side. It’s the same reason we refused to offer Carlos Tevez a deal earlier this month. The lads just wanted to play. We’re taking the three points, but still, it’s nauseating stuff.”
Captain and founder Ollie Waring claimed a brace for his time, effort and passion invested in arranging the match; the pick of the bunch being an absolute thunderbolt curled in from 40 yards.
“It was virtually unstoppable. No goalkeeper in the world who was lazing about in his room watching the latest episode of Glee instead of turning up to the match could have saved that. I couldn’t even dream of a better goal.”
“It’s always nice to score on your debut,” added Waring. “The scoreline flattered them really. We had a couple of great penalty shouts which the ref didn’t see, and were caught offside quite a few times when we were through on goal. To be fair to them, they did use the offside trap well.”
The best goal of the game was accredited to temporary goalkeeper Mark Hannay. “No-one wanted to play in goal for our first match, yet Mark unselfishly stepped up to the plate,” explained Waring. “He fully deserved his goal. The way he picked up the ball in his own box before mazing through their entire team as if they weren’t even there was truly a sight to behold. It’s a shame Keble weren’t around to see it really; Mark certainly won’t forget that one anytime soon.”
Anne’s host Lincoln 2nds next week and hope to continue their unbeaten record, despite still not possessing a player who has played a full 90 minutes yet.