With the end of the January transfer window looming ahead, it has been announced that many Oxford collegiate sportsmen are expected to sign for ‘endless hours of hard work, solitude and despondency’ in a spate of last minute deals.
Oil rich Qatari side ‘Al-dissertation’ are predicted to lead the chase, targeting ‘tired and jaded yet experienced’ finalists in a flurry of big money transfers. Conservative Russian club ‘Last-minute-revision-plansky Moscow’ are prepared to hold back the cheque book until the 5th week of Trinity, in the hope of signing ‘marooned and helpless freshers’ on the cheap. News has also come in that for the umpteenth year running JCR football 3rd division basement club Univ are still in search of anyone with anything that could be interpreted as talent, allegedly targeting ‘all living organisms with at least one leg and a pulse’.
The sudden flurry of transfer rumours are thought to be the knock-on effect of a Michaelmas term jam-packed with fixtures and crew dates for many students. As one second year put quite bluntly, ‘Many of us have suddenly realised that we should probably spend some time doing our degree.’
Lots of people from around the University have kindly tweeted and texted in with information on the whereabouts of potential transfer targets. Jenny from room 201 said that she saw a Lincoln first team player ‘sneaking back from Teddy Hall at 4am’, yet it is unlikely that this has anything to do with football as the player is clearly cup-tied. Another announced, ‘£2million transfer of medic Saras Mane ironically cancelled due to failed medical. Lol!’
Claims have indeed been as farfetched as one student’s text: ‘Just seen someone dressed in full rugby stash making revision notes in the Bodleian library xoxo’. MarkHannay’s tweeted: ‘OMG just seen Mario Balotelli queuing up for hall at Exeter College!!!’, although he did later admit that his statement was about as farcical as one of Steve Kean’s post-match interviews, and he merely wanted to get his name into the paper. Cherwell cannot confirm or deny the validity of either of these assertions.
Several coaches have also expressed their concern that many of their star players with contracts expiring in the summer were expected to be swept away by big money contracts in the financial sector, admitting that, ‘If they only stayed on for DPhils our MCR team might stand a chance of actually fielding eleven players for a match.’
One such sell-out retorted, ‘I’ve joined this club because I really want to make a difference to my field and feel that the club matches my ambition. It’s got absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I’ll own my house before you’ve even paid off your student loan, and will most probably retire to a dream life of fast cars, glamour models and luxurious cruises by the time I’m 40.’
Our transfer dealings conclude with the story that one player, whilst on trial at high-flying Worcester, allegedly rejected their offer of a three year contract, professing that the 1st team ‘didn’t have enough Blues players and simply wasn’t good enough’. However it has since been revealed that he’d completely ballsed up the trialling process and was in fact about as good as football as Andy Carroll’s grandmother.
