I think I’m done with Made In Chelsea. I mean it was always a pretty difficult relationship: the first couple of series failed to tempt me away from Arj and vajazzles, but with the hope that Professor Green – Millie’s current squeeze- would become a permanent fixture, I was drawn in. Everything was going fine: Ollie’s declaration that he was trying out being gay ‘for this month’ was relatively amusing, and Prof Green was afforded some, albeit minimal, screen time. Sadly last week’s episode, probaably one of the most stressful hours of TV I have ever watched, has ruined it forever.
I don’t really know where to begin. I don’t give a shit about Louise cheating on iced-bun Jamie with stretch armstrong lookalike boyfriend Spencer; given how excruciating and mechanical Spencer and Louise’s interchanges are, the sex really can’t have been worth it.
Then there were the awful scenes at the spa, where the girls flocked to help cheer up Louise at this difficult time in her life. Millie’s face upon Rosie turning up was profoundly slapable and lasted over half an hour.
It really is a testament to the likeability of the characters when smarmy Francis Boolay comes out on top; the only semi-decent moments of the last episode came when Francis told Jamie to consider ‘What Jesus Would Have Done?’ and forgive Spencer and Louise. The landfill-indie soundtrack that booms over every scene, regardless of its content, well and truly finished me off. I had no idea there were so many bands as shit as Mumford & Sons, with emotive Made in Chelsea-appropriate lyrics. I’m sorry but there’s only one Chelsea team winning this week and it’s not this lot.