If you’re feeling…
Jaded
Skyfall
Bond is back and if you haven’t peed yourself with excitement then there’s something wrong with you. Daniel Craig will return in order to face offagainst Javier Bardem’s super villain. Expect a sexy French femme fatale and lots of men running around in neatly tailored suits. Q is also returning in the considerably sexier form of Ben Whishaw (unless you had a thing for John Cleese). If this isn’t the most fun you have at the cinema this autumn, I’ll eat a copy of The OxStu.
Girls
Lena Dunham’s groundbreaking sitcom hits the UK this month and, if you haven’t already illegally streamed it, you’re in for a treat. Expect lots of conversations on the loo and some mildly paedophilic roleplaying. The series peaks in the middle (especially when you get the chance to see David Mamet’s18-year-old daughter on crack) and the ending is a tad disappointing, but, all things considered, this is the best thing on TV this autumn and you won’t regret watching it.
Serious
The Master
Paul Thomas Anderson’s follow-up to the classic There Will Be Blood sees Philip Seymour Hoffman playing a Ron Hubbardesque preacher who draws in Joaquin Phoenix’s impressionable and disturbed former soldier. This is going to be one of the big players in the awards season and you’ll seem incredibly culturally sophisticated if you try and seek out a cinema showing it in its preferred 70mm print. Make sure you’re in a mood where you’ll be tolerant to scientology parallels, otherwise you might find this exhausting.
Andrew Marr’s History of the World
Renowned broadcaster and philanderer Andrew Marr continues his epically self indulgent tour of world history which sees him standing on rocks, pontificating about global conflicts. If, for some reason, your degree isn’t boring enough, this should fill that void. And, if nothing else, it should help you realise that the documentaries section of iPlayer is probably not the place to spend your free time.
Childish
Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted
Yes, yes, we’re all far too old for these films, but with a Cannes première and pretty good reviews all round, this is probably the most socially acceptable cartoon you can watch this summer. Chris Rock, Ben Stiller, Jada Pinkett-Smith all return for another adventure where they take a whistle-stop tour through famous European landmarks. You’ll have to suspend your disbelief a little because, after all, these talking animals are definitely not from an EU member state.
Gossip Girl
There’s a new series of Gossip Girl, Upper Eastsiders, and we’re all secretly very, very excited about it. Rumour has it this will be the show’s last hurrah, so will the Blair/Chuck saga finally be solved? Will Serena stop being incredibly annoying now that she’s married to Ryan Reynolds? Will Dan finally have an interesting storyline? All this, and more, will be resolved over the next few weeks, so put your cynicism aside and get your Jimmy Choo’s on. XOXO.
Stupid
The Twilight Saga:Breaking Dawn Part Two
I am told that Part One of this book (so brilliant they had to cut it in two) was really gross, so who knows what sort of body horror will be in store for you in round two. At least we all know that this is the last time we’ll have to see this group of miserable, financially vampiric chunks of wood on the big screen and I think we’re all hoping that Robert Pattison and the wolf rip each other to pieces. The lines of screaming girls who’ll be at the cinema on opening night are inevitable.
Made in Chelsea
The Kensington set return for another season of irrelevant partner swapping and tedious conversations involving what happened on one of their insanely expensive holidays. If you want to watch an hour of over-privileged (and under-educated) twenty somethings jabbering on about the complexities of their vapid existences then you’ve probably got a copy of 50 Shades of Grey tucked away under your bed.
