It’s beginning to look a lot like Armageddon

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This is it, folks. We’ve been counting down for weeks, we’ve ordered the turkey and the tree is up. By that I mean our end-of-the-world tree. Sorry to disappoint, but there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas because nowhere will exist and everyone will be dead. Throw away your Advent calendars (after first wolfing down days 22, 23 and 24) because this year it’s all about Mayan calendars. Apocalypse is now.

Inevitable disclaimer, loljk and all that: the world is not yet on its last legs. As far as I’m concerned, the only correct prediction the Mayans made is that they would be well shot before 2012 so there was no point carrying on with their bloody calendar.

If the end is nigh, all those times I’ve screamed out Nicki Minaj’s verse of Jay Sean’s 2012 (It Ain’t The End) will lose their artistic depth and seem cheap and fake. And not in the good way. Also, Wikipedia tells me that Nostradamus has us chillin’ on Earth until at least the year 3797, so I think it’s probably worth getting Mum a Christmas present after all.

However, although I may have established that I believe in this tingtangwallawallabingbang theory as much as I believe in a Kardashian’s capacity to feel, impending doom does make me consider what I want to accomplish before the dead rise up and Will Smith prepares himself for walking around a lot of abandoned urban scenery with a dog. I’ve never been to Roppongi, never had sex in a college library, hell I’m still on my first bodcard – I need to live a little before I die a lot.

I figured an inventory of planned achievements with entries such as ‘get scouted by Quentin Tarantino to play the lead in his definitive masterpiece’ and ‘make up coherent hand actions to Colours Of The Wind’ wouldn’t have universal appeal, but I know that you must have weird and wonderful bucket lists in your weird and wonderful heads. Not everyone can want to get elected Union President, invite Anderson Cooper to do a talk and have him fall madly in love with me (sorry, “them”), so get thinking of your own!

To get serious for a second, or in other words “this is the part where the Max breaks down, it gets real tense and no-one makes a sound”, this is maybe the best ever time for reflection. Being surrounded by older family at Christmas necessitates pondering how not to become them, and New Year rakes up ideas of ‘New Me’. Topping it all off we have this potential Judgement Day as the death-riddled cherry on top. For the few weeks when you don’t have to study social cleavage, binary opposition or whatever sciences, I challenge you to have a wee think about life. Whilst you’re mulling your wine, get mulling over your future.

When we start Hilary 2013 I want to feel tangible change in attitudes. I want to see newfound confidence (note ‘newfound’ – clearly some of you have found it already and should maybe knock it down a few notches). I want to be able to slice the collective new sense of purpose and have it with my toast. Let’s get turning over those new leaves. 

Fingers crossed for continued existence!

 

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