Not only is it the start of another term, but it is also the start of a new year. 2014 has officially arrived. And as such, so have the beloved New Year’s resolutions. For the last few months of the previous year you’re able to be bad as you like, living in hope that the New Year will bring with it a better version of yourself.
From September onwards (more like March when your 2013 resolutions failed) those extra slices of cake don’t matter because you’re going on a diet on January 1st. And all those terrible essays that were 1000 words under the word count will be your last because you’re going to start working hard in Hilary. But whom are you really fooling here? These aren’t bad habits to be broken, they’re part of you, and no New Year’s Resolution is going to make you more conscientious or get rid of your sweet tooth.
The sad truth is that 88% of those who set a New Year’s resolution fail. So with such a gloomy success rate, why do we even bother? Usually it’s because we feel that by turning over a new leaf we can be better, healthier, cleverer, funnier, thinner and so on, which in turn will make us happier. But you’ll probably fail; so just save yourself the hassle, people. Scrap fresh starts and accept that you’re an idle underachiever.
So, as you may have gathered from the extremely positive tone of this article, I’m not going to give you the top ten tips on how to keep your New Year’s resolutions in typical Lifestyle fashion. It’s pointless. Instead here are a few standard student resolutions that inevitably will be broken:
1) Work hard – You’re sick and tired of pulling an all-nighter in the college library while everyone else parties hard in Wahoo. If you succeed to get your essay in before the 9am deadline you’ll never have to experience the ‘2 minutes to go’ panic or eat another sober Hassan’s at 3 am…it can be a drunk one instead. But after handing in one early essay you begin to realise that your life is lacking the essential weekly adrenalin rush. Furthermore you need to support Hassan in his hour of need – your 3am sobriety is his lifeboat in a sea of annoying drunkards.
2) Get fit and healthy – this bad boy is on everyone’s list (unless you’re a blue – oh bully for you). You have decided to no longer use the usual excuse of – ‘I don’t have time to work out…I have 2 essays due’ – and to actually do some sport. This is partly because resolution number 1 should be in place, and so the excuse is no longer valid. However after your first couple of runs your legs are too stiff and you can’t move. A hindrance that is very impractical, especially if you have to cycle to tutes at St Hugh’s. And you cannot be late for tutorials otherwise you’re breaking resolution number 1. So of course the only solution is for the fitness regime to stop. Sacrifices have to be made for academic excellence.
3) Drink less – Forget Sober October, it’s time for Dry January. Binge drinking is bad so a month of cold turkey will give your liver time to recover. But the sad truth is that clubbing isn’t as fun sober and you instantly become the fun sponge. And one mustn’t become a social outcast just for health reasons. Getting back on the booze wagon is the only solution to remaining sociable. Oh shucks!
4) Read more ‘fun’ books – LOL JK, who has time for novels? You don’t even have time for the preliminary reading list, let alone the secondary texts. And then if you’re being super conscientious (see resolution 1), there’s reading around the subject for those extra gems that you can impress your tutor with. Pfft, as if! If I were you I wouldn’t even bother buying the latest Donna Tart book from Blackwells… it will be a waste of money, because you won’t read it.
