When you find yourself on the third inevitable pub trip of Michaelmas with people you barely know and ought to impress, there’s one traditional fail-safe that every Oxford student has fallen back on; wanking on about the books you’ve read (or heard about). Here’s our bluffer’s guide to sounding well-read.
On The Road — Jack Kerouac
An obligatory read for anyone who has taken a gap year and everyone who wished they did. Full of Benzedrine and ‘tea’ this can make you sound worldly, beatnik and interesting without even needing to rip your trousers.
Das Kapital — Karl Marx
You don’t actually need to read this; Sparknotes The Communist Manifesto and you’ve basically got all you need to convince your first fresherfriend that you’re going to spearhead the global revolution.
Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man — James Joyce
If you’ve ever been disappointed by the incompetence of everyone around you, then this is your book. Superiority oozes out of its very name, and this handy little name-drop will elevate you (and your tortured poetry) above any non-humanities student. Beware of being over-ambitious and claiming to have read Ulysses.
The Bible
Be careful not to talk actually about religion at any point, but instead discuss the various typographical and linguistic features of the various Gospels available. Be sure to conclude with “But the King James will always have a special place in my heart.” Watch out for talking about this too much for fear of toasties and interminable conversation.
Michael Owen: Off the Record — ????
With your first fake football-loving fresher friend chatting away about their first live Emile Heskey goal, this is gold. It doesn’t really matter what you say as long as it’s sincere and simple, like Michael. Just pretend you love watching people run quickly and put pigskin spheres in nets and you’ll be fine.
Crime and Punishment — Fyodor Dostoevsky
This is another optional one — simply pronouncing Dostoyevsky gets you all the cultural cred you’re looking for.
Atlas Shrugged — Ayn Rand
Has your first fake fresher friend beaten you to Das Kapital? One up them on the controversy stakes by bringing out this hate-filled bucket of spleen. Buck the left-wing trend that prevails in Oxford, stick up your posters of Reagan and Thatcher, and kiss goodbye to the idea of being friends with anyone who isn’t called Sebastian (he swears blind he goes to Port and Policy ‘ironically’, but we all know).
War and Peace — Leo Tolstoy
Another long one, is it really worth it? Even Sparknotes seems a stretch. Just pretend it’s exactly the same as Crime and Punishment and no one will know the difference.
Law and Order – The Unofficial Companion — Courrier and Green
If you’re dumb enough to have thought that three years studying law was a good idea then you’re probably dumb enough not to realise that we’re joking. The TV show is great for a binge watch though.
Margeret Thatcher: The Autobiography — Take a guess
If you’re going to take us seriously on this then this book should remain your absolute secret shame. Again if you don’t realise that this book’s inclusion is a bitchy joke then you’re probably silly enough to believe that Thatcher saved our country and was the best thing to happen to Britain since Oswald. Hint: she wasn’t.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar — Eric Carle
For once our tongues aren’t in our cheeks, this is genuinely a great way to bond with people. Simple, sincere (aÌ€ la Michael Owen) but with cul- tural relevance, this will get you reminiscing from the pub to your beds (if that’s your goal). Everyone’s read it, the plot isn’t hard to get to grips with and, unlike way too many books, it has pictures! We really, really like pictures.
How to Train Your Dragon — Cressida Cowell
An essential for raising dragons. For those who think it’s funny to call Oxford ‘Hogwarts’ and bemoan its lack of these reptiles. If this tag applies to you please do us a favour: stop reading this page/newspaper/fuck off.
Now that we’ve engineered your social life for you, you can stop worrying about it. We’re sure you’ll have far more interesting things to do, like revising for prelims, you nerd.
