Despite boasting maestro cookery skills that would usually make Gordon Ramsay blush, I’m crippled by a lack of oven and, in fact, any basic cookery implements whatsoever. Unfortunately, it seems as if my culinary pizzazz may be hampered this evening, and so I set off to track down tools with which I could attempt to work wonders. With pan and colander duly commandeered from others on my staircase, and fuelled by G&T and a Vivaldi soundtrack, the magic starts.

I had planned on something bold. Ambitious. Visionary. My original plan of flambéed puffer fish with dauphinoise potatoes followed by Baked Alaska had now been sabotaged by a distinct lack of kitchen ordnance (and, okay, perhaps knowledge and talent). Sipping pensively on pink champagne, I settle instead for that journeyman of Italian meals, the solid spaghetti carbonara. Luckily I have some pancetta, pecorino and parmesan knocking about. How convenient. Not having a grater did not stop me, as I just attacked the parmesan with a knife till it crumbled (this is called “mincing”, for my less knowledgable readers).

With flagrant disregard for public safety, I tossed the ingredients in, producing a flawless carbonara. You should be jealous.