OxStew: Christians call balls ‘unacceptable’

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Christians have voiced anger over “unacceptable” levels of noise at a number of balls held in Oxford over the weekend (Saturday 9th May – Sunday 10th May). Christians from Balliol, Brasenose, Keble and St Hugh’s have all been affected by disruptive students having “unacceptable” levels of fun.

College balls are massive parties organised by incompetent Oxford students at their colleges. The OxStew understands that their inherent excess is often camouflaged beneath exotic themes – Monte Carlo and other tax havens are particular favourites – of which right on leftie students temporarily halt their moral disapproval.

Following the balls, some have accused students of rank hypocrisy for complaining about a Christian event running from 11am until 12.45pm, but failing to take issue with balls running from 7pm until 2am in the fucking morning.

Jesús Franco, an angry Christian and finalist, commented, “Let me get this straight. When we as a community of Christians try to bless this city by playing Joan Osborne’s 1995 hit ‘What If God was One of Us’ on repeat, we’re disruptive. But when students want to get really pissed and wear black tie ‘ironically’, whilst pumping out ‘Blurred Lines’ on loudspeakers that’s okay. It’s okay to get annoyed at noise made by Christians, but at least express some disapproval when a bunch of posh dickheads get together to make noise as well.”

The OxStew could not reach any finalists for comment, as they were all still too hungover. However, one Balliol fresher told The OxStew, “Leave me the fuck alone, it’s one in the afternoon and I’m still hungover. Can you get me a bucket? I think I’m going to be sick…”

There were also complaints from hordes of angry Morris dancers who gathered outside Oxford colleges in protest at not being invited to provide entertainment at the balls. Harry Valentine, a spokesperson for the English Defence League of Morris Dancers, commented, “Morris dancing is a traditional English tradition. I find it staggering beyond belief that Oxford students would not want us at their balls, providing entertainment. We always get such a good reception from students when we dance for days on end outside of the Rad Cam.”

Valentine continued, “Oxford students not wanting us at their balls is yet another triumph of the politically correct liberal elite, and is exactly why we need Nigel Farage to stay on as UKIP leader.”

OUSU President (2016/17) Jack Myers pleaded with students, “Please, please, please no one tell the Daily Mail that Oxford students still have black tie balls. It might raise questions about whether events that cost close to, and in some cases over, £100 to attend are the real access problem in Oxford, rather than a piece of black fabric with a Latin name that everyone has to wear in exams.”

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