The OxStew understands that a prominent Conservative at the University is to propose a motion at OUSU Council to hold a referendum on whether to make owls compulsory in exams. The proposed motion also seeks to mandate OUSU to campaign for all students to be required to buy wands from Ede & Ravenscroft in order to attend matriculation. Matriculation is the ceremony in which students formally enter the University of Oxford.
The OxStew spoke exclusively to Matthew Jacques, the conservative in question, who intends to bring the motion. Jacques commented, “Only by allowing students to bring owls with them to their finals will we convince Oxford students to wear subfusc forever. My hope is that Oxford students will be so preoccupied with preventing owl droppings getting on their exam papers that they will never have the temerity to question the existence of subfusc ever again.
“I’d also like to highlight the very strong access arguments for introducing owls into the exam regulations. Everyone wants to go to Hogwarts, and if we can make Oxford more like Hogwarts, applications from all schools will increase dramatically.
“The world of Harry Potter is essentially a celebration of Britain’s elite educational institutions anyway. By invisibly cloaking ourselves in the mythology of the Harry Potter series, we could continue our quaint and outdated traditions forever.”
When confronted by The OxStew about whether this was a cynical attempt to manipulate the emotions of the thousands of Oxford students who are fans of the Harry Potter series, Jacques declined to comment. Since word of Jacques’ proposal has got around, The OxStew has heard numerous reports of students belonging to the Oxford University Quidditch Club pretending to fly at University Parks. OUSU has since released a statement condemning their actions.
Harry Potten, a self-proclaimed expert on access, praised the idea of bringing owls into examinations, “I think making our exams more like Harry Potter could work ‘magic’ for access. If I had an owl, I’d bring it with me all the time to hall.”
Meanwhile, a helpful Morris dancer, who just happened to be passing by, suggested that students instead dress like them and attend their exams in blackface. “Just as subfusc isn’t elitist, blackface isn’t racist. It’s only a tradition after all! Since when have the historic associations of particular forms of clothing been relevant to how they are perceived?”
On hearing of the motion, Emma Watson, star of the Harry Potter film franchise and a former visiting student at Oxford, entered the debate by posting on her Twitter. “Glad I’m not @ Ox now. Enough people shouted ‘10 points to Gryffindor’ at me before, dread to think of sodding owls & wands.”
